Current Happenings

What a year of changes for our family! We hope to resurrect this blog in order to continue to share "good words" and to keep long distance family and friends up to date about the ordinary things in our lives. :) Here are some very brief updates:

Marc:
*Continues to love serving at CCC and recently became an elder. He is now in charge of the whole Family Life Department. He is really excited about the opportunity and humbled at the task of serving families in this way.
*Completed the Indy mini again this past spring
*Had pinky surgery in the summer...didn't love the anesthesia and needles but made it through!

Steph:
*Thankful for God's daily grace in raising two little people. Being a mom of two has been both easier and harder than expected. :)
*Scaling back on commitments at church during this season of life and focusing on taking care of things at home to free Marc up to serve. She still enjoys serving in the church library and meeting with the teens individually occasionally.
*Enjoying meeting with neighborhood moms for support and studying God's word together
*Struggling with vertigo and fatigue pretty heavily....has off and on for five years. Diagnosed with migraine associated vertigo or possible early Meniere's Disease. Found out she has many food sensitivities that may contribute to it, so she is working hard at her diet.

Caleb:
*Started preschool!! He absolutely loves it. He is beginning to sound out words and really take off academically.
*Really into building and imagining things...went through a phase of building "ice cream machines"
*Loves to help with Emma and be a big brother
*Found out his peanut and soy allergies are much higher than we thought, so diet changes for him too :)

Emma:
*What a dear she is! She is a very easy baby like Caleb.
*Going through a lot of changes...starting solid food, cutting her two top teeth (four total!), down to two naps most days, slowing weaning to formula to help Mommy focus on her health
*Loves music, her jumperoo, rolling...not quite sitting yet but close

We continue to praise God for his kindness in getting us through each day, reminding us of truth, and growing us in both prosperity and hardship. Looking forward to writing more about what He is teaching us!

It's Been a While...

So, it's been forever since we posted anything on here, and instead of re-starting with some long, deep, thought-provoking post, we thought we'd share a relatively typical part of life. These two videos are from yesterday morning when our daughter tried rice cereal for the first time. It was her first intake of anything other than milk...Hope to post more regularly as time rolls on.

Thanksgiving Then and Now

It's amazing how much of a difference a year can make. Last Thanksgiving we had Zoe heavy on our hearts. It had only been 3 weeks since I delivered. I remember feeling relieved for some distraction but also terrified. I wanted people to ask about her and acknowledge our loss, but I was also panicked that I would break down if they did. So, I just kinda went through the day in a fog.

 So much has changed. This year I am still thinking of her. I can't help it this time of year remembering where we were in our grief. However, I am so thankful for where God has brought us. Caleb is a year older and is such a funny ball of energy. He is starting to really develop passions, most recently music class. I teared up the other day in class hearing his sweet voice...the same voice that screams bloody murder at us in the middle of the night, not wanting to sleep...ha! :) In addition, I am sitting here in awe of God's creation as I feel this little person kicking inside of me. What a terrifying yet faith-growing season this pregnancy has been...27 weeks tomorrow, wow! Read an AWESOME quote yesterday in Erin Davis's book Beyond Bathtime: "When you aren't sure you're going to bring your baby home you spend less time painting the nursery and more time on your knees."

I am thankful for the innocence of this Thanksgiving, knowing that life is full of ups and downs and surprises, knowing that God hasn't promised easy. But he has promised:

 Jeremiah 29:11 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

 Psalm 71:20 You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again.

 Love what my friend, Sara, posted on Facebook yesterday: Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for all He has done. Colossians 2.7 So excited to celebrate thanksgiving, but really hope to grow in thanks-living. Let our lives overflow...

 Much love to you all today!
 Steph

In Memory of Zoe

 I cannot believe it has almost been a year since we lost Zoe. In honor of her life and death, we would like to donate books to grieving families to our local hospital maternity ward. The book is I Will Carry You by Angie Smith, a very Christ-centered and honest picture of "the sacred dance of grief and joy." These books would be sent home with families who have lost children, and we pray that the gospel would be made know through this.

 Would you consider giving? Just click "Chip In", and you can follow the directions. If you would rather give a personal check, you can email me at stephgoodwin@gmail.com, and we can give you our address. Whatever money we get will go towards purchasing books. We love you all and are thankful for your many prayers for our family over the last year.

 Much Love,
Stephanie

Daring to Plan

Today I am linking up with the Journey, a part of Still Standing Magazine. Sweet babyloss friends, a forewarning that this blog post is partially about pregnancy after loss. I hope you will still read and find hope in my journey but moreso in Christ!

Speaking of that hope in Christ...this video is AMAZING. Please take the time to watch it and be encouraged by this sweet couple. They have been through a great deal, but they really testify about how all of it reveals God's faithfulness to them. The most memorable quote: "I don't understand why a baby dying can be good, but I accept it....and I can't even tell you why." (She goes on to say that she knows that if it would be better for them and bring God greater glory that their daughter would still be alive).
With that said, a lot has happened since I last posted! On June 13th, we found out we were expecting our 3rd child! I am currently 16 weeks and, Lord willing, baby will be due around February 20th.We got to see baby move on the ultrasound the other day....at one point baby moved his/her arm by his/her face...I gasped and said, "That is so cool!" Notice that interjection, "Lord willing." I used to never think that way. I would make plans and assume God would come along for the ride. This kind of "practical atheism" pervaded my life. I often lived as if God didn't exist, not considering what he wanted for my life. How I plan has certainly changed, and I am kind of still learning that balance. So I guess this post is me trying to process out loud what is in my head, and I hope it is challenging to you all as well.

This post came to mind shortly after something unexpected happened at church a few months ago. A lady was teaching the teenage girls about having an eternal perspective. She asked us to close our eyes and picture our future. I closed my eyes and was surprised by tears streaming down my face. I couldn't do it. I couldn't picture my future. I was too nervous, being afraid that I would risk those things not coming true and being heartbroken all over again.

After Zoe died, I went through a period of unhealthily fearing God. I'm talking I was literally afraid of what he was going to bring me. Those feelings totally went against everything I knew to be true, but they were still there, and I had to deal with them. Jeremiah 29:11 immediately came to mind: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  God is for me. God is good...see my post in July so I don't repeat myself. :) Everything in my life is given to me to make me more like Christ...do I REALLY want to be more like Christ? Or would I rather have an easy life and no Christ?

So, I first had to be comfortable with God's goodness and His plans being good. Next, though, I wondered how do you plan as a believer? I don't think God wants me to cry when I picture the future and make no plans at all. The key I found is to not necessarily make no plans but make sure your plans consider God and His desires for you. Never assume God wants just what you want. Pray, be humble, and plan knowing that your plans may fail. I have really had Proverbs 16:9 stick out to me lately: "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

So, today, I am daring to dream. Daring to plan. God is for me. God is good. I can plan but plan with humility. So, how am I putting this into action? Today I signed up for free baby stuff. A big deal because after we lost Zoe I was SO sick of having all these coupons and formula sent to me...a dagger in the heart.  I have been so blessed by Fran at Small Bird Studios. She is expecting her second rainbow baby, and says so poignantly on her blog, "A lot of people have told me they are too expecting their rainbow babies. And they too have similar fears, and withholdings in pregnancy. I feel like this is one step in the right direction. It is okay to dream. Create a Pinterest board, get some ideas and dream for you and your baby. Hope is a beautiful thing."

That.it.is.

Good? What Good?

Today I am linking up with the sweet ladies of Still Standing Magazine, writing about where I am in this journey of losing Zoe.

I have been meditating on Romans 8:28-29 for quite some time. Here it is in the ESV:
  
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."

So, what is this "good"? Prosperity? Blessing? No way. That is what many will say, though. "If you love God your life will be easy." Look at vs. 29...he planned for us to be conformed to the image of Christ! THAT is the good that God has for us. Everything that happens in our lives is to point us to Christ and move us to be more like Him. That sounds good to me! However, this "good" can also be very painful. Just look at Christ's suffering on our behalf on the cross. That is the perfect example of good coming out of great pain.

So, that is where I am at. Continuing to strive to see the good that came from losing Zoe. Seems so unnatural to say, I know. I miss being pregnant with her. I miss the closeness I felt in holding her. Now she seems so far away. However, God's truth is an anchor for my soul when emotions don't match up. I am reading a great book called Faith and Feelings by Brian S. Borgman. I highly recommend it! One thing he talks about is how the Psalms so beautifully model for us how to express emotion in a godly way. Many Psalms begin with a lament to God...honest, painful, real feelings. Then they switch to praise and confidence in the Lord. Read Psalm 6, and you will see what I mean. What a great example for us! Sweet friends, cry, weep, scream...then remember TRUTH. The song below is also an amazing example of expressing emotion rightly and such an encouragement to my soul. My favorite line:
"Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about your faithfulness
Let my pain reveal your glory as my only real rest
Let my losses show me all I truly have is you"



I thought I would end the post with some tangible examples of good that has come from losing Zoe. No, I do not think God took Zoe from us for these reasons alone...His ways are higher than we know. However, His kindness to us is real and tangible, and I am thankful for these evidences of good. I am becoming more like Christ because of our daughter.

*Opportunities to share the gospel with family who normally wouldn't have listened
*Opportunities to encourage and be encouraged by strangers...most recently my hairdresser and young woman I met today at the cemetery...both had losses at 15 weeks
*Greater compassion for people...you never know what someone is going through
*Greater yearning for heaven
*Opportunities to plant seeds in my son about the awesomeness of God and heaven...last night he said, "Heaven will be fun. I want to go to heaven." He is showing more and more understanding about where Zoe is, and it doesn't scare him. Although, you can tell he wants to be a brother. He said the other day, "If another baby comes out will she stay with us?" Oh, buddy, I hope so. 
*Greater understanding of how the gospel impacts my daily life

Much love to you all,
Stephanie

Three Year Old Interview

What is your name?   Caleb Michael Guh-win

How old are you today?   Free (Three)
What is your favorite food?   Kips (Chips)
What food is yucky?   Keh-wits (Carrots)
What is your favorite toy?   Buh-yoon (Balloon)
Where is your favorite place to go?   Wah-maht (Walmart)
What do you like best on TV?   Super Why
What is your favorite thing to do outside?   Kawk (Chalk)
What is your favorite animal?   Guhwaffe (Giraffe)
What book do you like to read best?   Llama books
What makes you happy?   Playing
What makes you sad?   When I get hurt…that makes me sad
What is your favorite thing to wear?   Shuhts (Shirts)
What do you like best about your mom?   Purple and White
What do you like best about your dad?   Toys
What is your favorite color?   Owange (Orange)
What is your favorite snack?   Goldfish Kwackers (Crackers)
What is your favorite song? Geesus (Jesus) Loves Me

Who are some of your friends? Eli…that’s all
What do you want to be when you grow up? A buhyoon (Balloon)

Carrying Zoe

Who knew one little shirt at a garage sale could bring such a wave of emotion. This grief journey is full of the unexpected. It's been almost 7 months since we lost Zoe, and I am thankful that a lot of the raw emotion is dormant. However, now the grief is random and takes me by surprise.

I love the song "I Will Carry You", and this stanza really speaks to my recent feelings. I think it's tempting for people to assume that I have "moved on" because I look fine on the outside. Truth is, though, this journey isn't over. It really is a lifetime journey. It doesn't mean I bawl my eyeballs out every day, but the grief is still there, always changing.

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Last week I came across this shirt at a garage sale and realized that Zoe should be wearing it. Seconds later I hear a friend across the room excitedly share with a lady that her son will be a big brother in July...Caleb is a brother, just not in the way we expected. P.S. If said friend is reading this, I love you, and no worries. ;) I could feel the lump in my throat and kept myself busy talking to my little shopping buddy, who is quite the garage sale enthusiast! That helped!

Her memory is everywhere...I carry her wherever I go. Every time I get in my hubby's car the smell of it reminds me of those minutes spent driving different places the days following Zoe's death...to church to cry and pray with our friends, to Martin's to get coffee and try to digest everything, to the appointments,  to the cemetary. Every time we sing "Blessed Be Your Name" I weep, remembering the moment the nurse whispered, "The baby's coming." We had no idea what to do, so I sang as Marc shielded my eyes. I am so glad the Lord brought this song to mind in that moment of numbness. I remember her as I pass Zoe Street every day in our neighborhood. I originally would pray for my friend's daughter, Zoe, each time I would pass since she was waiting to be brought home from Ethiopia. Who would have thought that street would be so special just a few weeks later. Every time I watch certain t.v. shows I remember keeping the t.v. on almost constantly in the hospital, being afraid that the silence would force me to face reality.


Zoe's grave marker will be installed in the next few days. I am thankful that we could give that to her...something about the little temporary marker just makes me sad. I want her to be remembered and acknowledged. My mentor gave me such a sweet gift the other day by asking if she could come to the cemetery with me and see the grave marker when it's installed. She expressed wanting to be more of a part of that journey with me. I have continued to pray that I may show grace to friends and family as they interact with me during this time. Admittedly, I get disappointed at times, but I try to recognize that this isn't an easy situation. Some people just don't know what to say. However, sometimes I just wish someone would say something rather than nothing at all. I was so blessed by two ladies who came and hugged me on Mother's Day. I don't know either lady very well, and I was so blessed by their thoughtfulness.

Another new development is looking to the future. I have gone from being petrified to be pregnant again to being super impatient. I am experiencing trouble in the waiting period to say the least. We would love to have more children, but that involves waiting. Waiting to be pregnant first of all, and we don't want to assume that we will be blessed with fertility. Then the waiting NINE months for a baby to be born. Seems like forever! After having a rough night the other night with being weary about the waiting, I read the devotional found here. How timely! God is good.

All this to say, I hope to be honest on here so that whoever reads this is encouraged and challenged. If you have suffered a loss, I hope you know you are not alone. If you are a friend or family member of a bereaved mother and father, I hope this gives you perspective that could help you to better minister to them.

Much love,
Stephanie

A Big Deal

"Dude, you guys, it's pretty much a miracle your baby is alive." I love my OBGYN...she is so real in how she interacts with us. :) As we met with her last week to ask her questions about my health and our future fertility we casually discussed Caleb having Group B Strep at birth. We told her how I was a false negative when tested just a few weeks prior and how his only sign of being sick was slightly high respirations. We told her of how a doctor...I wish I now know who...decided to run some tests just hours before we were to be sent home. PRAISE GOD...THAT was a big deal. And, as the quote says, it was seemingly such a little thing at the time! So, we left our appointment feeling a little more grateful for Caleb's life. Then, just a few days later, I read a story of a lady whose baby died of undetected Group B Strep 3 weeks after birth. This baby was sent home, just like Caleb would have been.

 Do we realize what a MIRACLE life is? I feel like I have been given a gift the last few weeks, really being shown by the Lord what a miracle it is that our Caleb is alive, but also what a miracle it is that any babies are alive! I consider just the miracle of how God so intricately weaves together our little ones in our womb. How our bodies just know what to do. Even if your child was perfectly healthy at birth, he/she is a miracle! This is a big deal!

So, I leave you with this, written by a bereaved mommy who prays often for young mothers. You can read the whole post here.

 "I pray that he would give you an attitude of wonder when you look at your little ones. I pray that he would allow your mind to fathom the fact that they are walking and talking miracles. I pray that he would open your eyes to the fact that there are TOO MANY people who wish they were in your shoes. I pray that he would grant you the patience that you need each morning to gather all the littles up and rush them off to school or day care. I pray that he would give you a sweet voice and quiet love when the time comes for discipline. I pray that he would give you the strength to let go and allow them to explore their world. I pray that he would give you a sense of adventure to enjoy life, and all the ups and downs it has to offer, with them. I pray that peace would fill your home. I pray that God would give you an attitude of gratitude for each blessing he has given you. I pray that your marriage would be one of honor and a great example of love and unselfishness. I pray that your home would be full of the joy of Jesus. I pray that you would freely give out hugs and kisses even when they are not welcomed. I pray that you would praise instead of put down."

Still Standing

This week I am linking up with other mommies who have lost babies or are struggling with infertility. Still Standing magazine is a new online magazine that has been a HUGE encouragement to me, and I look forward to being an encouragement to other bereaved mothers. The link to the magazine is on the right side of my blog under Favorite Sites. So, the link up is called The Journey, and I am supposed to write about where I am at currently, so here it goes. :)

 *For those of you visiting from SS, you can find Zoe's story here.

*Here is another post I wrote about helping a friend through the loss of a child.

 God is good. Really good. I am such a weak person on my own, and I continue to be in awe of how the Holy Spirit empowers me to keep going. Things have not been easy lately, but I can daily see God's goodness. I struggle adjusting hormonally after having babies, so that has been the hardest thing as of late. It's especially hard when you don't have a baby to hold to remind you that it was worth it! Still, Zoe WAS worth it. I am a different wife, mom, friend, and Christ-follower because of her. My friend, Kari, shared this quote on Facebook that resonated with me as I considered my journey:

 "If God does not give you that which you like, He will give you that which you need. A physician does not so much study to please the taste of the patient, as to cure his disease. We complain that very sore trials lie upon us; let us remember that God is our Physician, therefore He labours rather to heal us than to humor us." (Thomas Watson, 1663)

 This quote continues to minister to my heart when emotions run wild:
"Are you a distressed believer? Is your heart pressed down with sickness, tried with disappointments, overburdened with cares? To you I say this day, “Behold the cross of Christ.” Think whose hand it is that chastens you; think whose hand is measuring to you the cup of bitterness which you are now drinking. It is the hand of Him who was crucified! It is the same hand which, in love to your soul, was nailed to the accursed tree. Surely that thought should comfort and hearten you. Surely you should say to yourself, “A crucified Savior will never lay upon me anything that is not for my good. There is a needs be. It must be well.” -J.C. Ryle

 I have really been thinking lately about this whole "new normal" concept. How do I balance "moving on" with remembering Zoe? I have really come to this conclusion. One of the best ways I can honor Zoe is to use her life as a platform to share the gospel and the ultimate satisfaction that comes from knowing Christ. I recently read this blog post here that was so thought provoking and helped me to process some of the things I have been feeling lately. It is titled "When You Lose a Baby", and these two statements really stuck out:

 "There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up."
"You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

 What do I say when people ask how many children I have? That question still gets me. It depends on the person. Sometimes I say two, other times I avoid the awkwardness and say one, knowing that this doesn't mean I didn't love her. My mother-in-law blessed me so much the other day when she shared with me that she cried a little bit when she attended a work baby shower because she thought of Zoe. That meant so much to me! It was indeed a precious gift to me.

 Speaking of gifts, I will close with this: I have really come to find that Marc and I have been given a gift (in a really messed up way). Zoe's due date was on Easter. As we celebrated the resurrection of Christ, we also celebrated Zoe being with Him in heaven. That brings us such comfort, and I feel like we will always celebrate Easter differently knowing that our daughter is safe and at peace because of what Christ accomplished! As we sang these words from "I Will Rise" I realized that that was exactly what Zoe was experiencing!! All she knows is heaven...wow. 
And I will rise when He calls my name
 No more sorrow, no more pain
 I will rise on eagles' wings
 Before my God fall on my knees
 And rise I will rise
 And I hear the voice of many angels sing, "Worthy is the Lamb"
 And I hear the cry of every longing heart, "Worthy is the Lamb"

 This song by Nicol Sponberg also speaks of this gift. She is Angie Smith's sister-in-law, and she lost her son to SIDS shortly after Angie lost her daughter. The chorus says, "Your days here changed everything. You're missed here and will always be, but you left here the greatest gift of all 'cause our hearts ache for Home."

Oh how I yearn for heaven, but oh how I also yearn to bring glory to God in this journey. Much love to you, friends. Thanks for reading.

Our Funny Little Man

As much as I miss the baby stage, I really enjoy interacting with Caleb these days. He is such a funny little dude! He loves to sing, memorize scripture, and play "team." Here are some videos of his recent shenanigans. Can't believe he'll be 3 soon!!

Get Real

So, I've been trying to make a lot of changes around here. I have had a variety of health problems the last five years, and I am at a season of my life where I thought it was good to really try to focus on my health. However, I have been prayerful that these changes are not just another idol of my heart. It is easy to say, "If I have _____, then I will be happy." Or, if I am honest, "If I do ____ then I will have a healthy baby."

The biggest change? REAL FOOD. Our culture is obsessed with diet this and that and processed food. We don't know where any of our food comes from, and the ingredient labels are full of funky unknown ingredients. I would recommend you watch the documentary Food Inc. Very insightful! Admittedly, I always thought people who did all natural food were "hippy" or "old-fashioned", but now I know better! :) I am making slow changes to move our family toward more wholesome choices such as real butter, real milk (not skim), hormone free/grass-fed meat, Stevia rather than sugar substitutes like Splenda, no processed snacks, etc. I am not trying to be extreme and am taking it slow. It's actually really fun! To top it all off, I haven't gained weight since going to more real food. I guess part of that is eating more fruits and veggies rather than junk and empty calories. What you eat really affects your mental health as well, as I am finding. I never really considered that until recently.

My favorite find? Homemade granola bars! Seriously people, they are so easy to make and are SO YUMMY. Also, quinoa! It is similar to rice but packed with protein! My little guy is allergic to two of the biggest protein sources, so this is good for both of us. I have learned that protein is very important in regulating blood sugar, which I have some problems with, so I am all about finding a wide variety of protein sources! You can find the links to my favorite recipes below:

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Granola Bars
Cranberry Chocolate Chip Granola Bars
Cheesy Broccoli Quinoa Casserole


In addition I am discovering the importance of supplements. A lot of people think you just need to eat right and you'll get the nutrients you need, but that's not always the case for a variety of reasons. For example, the soil our produce is grown in has a lot less nutrients than it did years ago. Supplements need to be NATURAL....love the company Shaklee. Many OTC supplements are filled with junk ingredients and don't have enough of what you need. For example, my Shaklee multivitamin has iodine in it, which is essential for thyroid function...many others do not. It also has double Vitamin D and other vitamins women need more of. Grrr...I tried to find the pamphlet I read online but couldn't find it. If you want to read more about why we need supplements let me know, and I can copy it for you. ;)

Anyhoo, I didn't want to bore you all with lots of info. I just wanted to share what I consider valuable information that I would have never known without being blessed with awesome friends and a super nutritionist. :) I want to honor God with my body, and I am done filling it with junk. Baby steps, though. :)

Walking With Friends Through Loss of a Child

"Our sorrow is lent us for just a little while that we may use it for eternal purposes. Then it will be taken away and everlasting joy will be our Father's gift to us, and the Lord God will wipe away all the tears from off all faces." Amy Carmichael

Today we grieve with our friends as they mourn the loss of their infant son, William. He was born at 23 weeks and fought for about a week. I have been wanting to write a post like this for quite some time, but I never really made the time to do so. However, with recent events, I realize there are many who are at a loss of how to minister to this sweet couple. I am one of them. So, I wanted to share with you all some insights about what was helpful to me as we mourned Zoe. I think we all have those moments of, "I don't know what to say/do." I am there today. So, here it goes:

1. Keep it simple.
A lot of times as believers we want to say the "Christian" thing. It's tempting to want to fix the situation and fill the awkwardness with a bunch of words. When I was grieving early on, I was exhausted. Sometimes it was hard for me to attend to the sweet people who would want to stand with me and recount God's truth as a way of encouraging. I was so thankful for their hearts! However, early on especially, keep what you say simple. I am here for you...I am praying for you...I love you. Angie Smith in her book, I Will Carry You, suggests sometimes saying nothing at all is the best thing. Sometimes the best thing is to "be there, available, willing, authentic."

2. Avoid presuming things about God.
It is easy to want to encourage couples who have lost a baby by saying things like, "He will give you another child." However, that may not be true. Do you really want someone who is grieving a loss to make an idol out of having another child in the future? Instead, encourage them with the Gospel! The truth that Christ's sacrifice on the cross for us has met our greatest need is a truth that is unchanging! I love this quote by J.C. Ryle:

"Are you a distressed believer? Is your heart pressed down with sickness, tried with disappointments, overburdened with cares? To you I say this day, “Behold the cross of Christ.” Think whose hand it is that chastens you; think whose hand is measuring to you the cup of bitterness which you are now drinking. It is the hand of Him who was crucified! It is the same hand which, in love to your soul, was nailed to the accursed tree. Surely that thought should comfort and hearten you. Surely you should say to yourself, “A crucified Savior will never lay upon me anything that is not for my good. There is a needs be. It must be well.”

3. Acknowledge the loss.
Especially once the numbness wore off, I wanted people to acknowledge our loss. I remember Thanksgiving was hard for me because there were times where I could tell some family members wanted to know about Zoe but were nervous to talk about her. Angie Smith says, "When it didn't come up, I felt like she wasn't real. I wanted her to be acknowledged. Regardless of whether the loss is an early term miscarriage or the loss of a child, this was a life that had been entrusted to me as a parent, and I want her to be recognized." Ask the couple if they'd like to share about their child. Leave it up to them. As I will touch on below, everyone grieves differently, so they might not want to talk. But don't be afraid to ask. I had the privilege of sharing about Zoe with my mommy small group from last year. They organized a special night just for me. We came in comfy clothes, ate some goodies, and it was so healing for me to share about Zoe and God's goodness through it all.

4. You cannot rush grief. Everyone grieves differently.
Angie Smith says, "Grief is a winding, nasty road that has no predictable course, and the best thing you can do as a friend is to show up for the ride. You cannot rush grief." PLEASE be very careful how you compare your friends to others who have experienced loss. Avoid saying things like, "Well _______ seemed to cope well with their loss." It can be very hurtful to feel like you aren't "snapping out of it" fast enough or grieving like other people. Yes, please point your friends to the Lord and biblical truth, especially if they are becoming distant from or resentful toward God. However, recognize that grief is a long process. Be patient with the Lord as He works in your friends.

5. Consider your friends' feelings as you celebrate/complain about your pregnancy or life in general.
Social media is a tricky thing. Facebook has been difficult for me at times. However, I have tried to show people grace since a few months ago I was that girl who was complaining about her life stress and/or celebrating my pregnancy via Facebook. I would just ask that you be mindful of your friends' feelings. It is all about gratitude. When you are tempted to complain about swollen ankles, think of that friend who would give anything to have swollen ankles. When you want to announce to your friends your pregnancy, maybe take your friends aside and ask them how they are feeling and express care for them. That simple acknowledgement means so much! My friend Janelle had her baby shower a few weeks after Zoe was born. We rode together, and she took the initiative to pray with me before we went in. That meant the world to me! Do not feel guilty for being blessed with a healthy child!! Just be mindful of what your friends may be feeling.

6. Pray for your friends often...even if it has been a "while" since the loss.
I am so thankful for our church family and the care they continue to show us! We are now in a tricky time as the raw emotion is wearing off but the hurt is still there. As we approach Zoe's due date I am comforted and encouraged by the prayers lifted up on our behalf. We are changed people. The loss will always be felt. Acknowledge that and pray for your friends.

7. Get practical.
After we lost Zoe, it became difficult to do normal things. It was healing to move on and get back in a routine, but there were still days where I just wanted to stop everything and cry. Life for everyone else kept moving, but I wanted time to stand still. Especially if your friends have other children, help them with practical things. Make them a meal, offer to watch their kids, etc. That gives them more time to spend with the Lord, journaling, crying, etc.

I hope this is helpful for you all. We have been both on the giving and receiving end of this kind of ministry, but I still don't feel like an "expert." Simply put...pray for wisdom. The Lord will give it! Please keep my friends Dan and Amanda and their family in your prayers.

Love,
Steph

Don't Imagine God

So, this blog post has been stirring in my heart for quite some time! Pastor Larry is currently going through a series on the 10 Commandments, and back in December he preached on the second commandment:

4 “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. 5 You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments. Exodus 20:4-6 (ESV)

The sermon can be found here It really is a good word for all of us! Haven't we all struggled with understanding God's ways? I am SO tempted to worship God for who I WISH Him to be, not who He actually is. My prayer in the last few months has been to truly worship God rightly no matter what comes my way.

I have always understood the first commandment about having no idols. I am convinced that much of our sin can be summarized by the term "idol worship"...finding ultimate satisfaction in something or someone other than God. It is a commandment that convicts me daily, and I am so thankful that the commandments are mirrors that show us our sinfulness and need for Christ! But the second commandment...never quite understood what "creating an image" of God was until recently. Essentially, the commandment is to not imagine God. Don't give in to the world's ideas of God. (i.e. that He isn't really in charge, that He is only good when He gives us what we want, He is loving so He is okay with sin, etc.) Seek to know what He has revealed through creation, the Bible, and Christ rather than make up your own ideas of what you think He is like. Here is how Pastor Larry summarized the commandment:

"The first of the Ten Commandments focuses on worshiping the right God. The second commandment then seems to focus more on worshiping God rightly, on worshipping Him for Who He truly is and not for who we imagine Him to be."

There are TONS of passages that lead us to a greater understanding of our place before the Lord. Here are several with some of my insights. :)

*Romans 11:33
Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!

*Isaiah 40:12-14, 18
Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand
and marked off the heavens with a span,
enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure
and weighed the mountains in scales
and the hills in a balance?
Who has measured the Spirit of the LORD,
or what man shows him his counsel?
Whom did he consult,
and who made him understand?
Who taught him the path of justice,
and taught him knowledge,
and showed him the way of understanding?

To whom then will you liken God,
or what likeness compare with him?

*Isaiah 55:8-9

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

God is so big! So often we maximize the qualities we want to see in Him, and minimize the qualities that make us uncomfortable. We want a God that we can control, and sadly we often make Him lower than He is by trying to mold Him into what we THINK He should be like. Friends, today is the 3 month anniversary of Zoe's passing. Three months ago, at this time I was expecting to be two months from meeting my baby girl. I was expecting to be big and round and probably complaining of these facts. I was expecting to be feeling her kick and buying her things. I was expecting to be cleaning out Caleb's play room and readying it for a baby. Instead, my belly is empty. Oh, but my soul is not! These past three months have been absolutely heart-wrenching as we mourn our daughter and what could have been....but, God...He is so big...so big. There is so much about Him we can know, but so much about Him we can't know, and that's okay. Heaven will be so much sweeter when we know Him fully!

Praise Him today, friends, ALL of Him.

Winter Projects and Fun

I am really enjoying the winter so far...ha, it's only December. :) I have really seen growth in contentment since Zoe's passing. It reminds me of Philippians 4:11-13:

11Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

I've worked on being more intentional about how I spend my time, and I have really enjoyed Pinterest (like so many others). Here are a few projects I've done that I found on there.

The first is a paper holder for the fridge made out of a cereal box! Only the sides of our fridge are magnetic, so this is a great place for all those papers that take up a lot of space. :) The other is a display on the big wall in our kitchen. Money is tight, so I dug in our boxes for frames we weren't currently using. I made a dry erase board just by putting scrapbook paper in a frame...the glass is dry erase. :) We plan to memorize simple verses as a family. The other frames contain a card of the missionaries we are praying for that week and Ann Voscamp's idea for recording the evidences of God's grace monthly. You can print it off here. Just take the glass out of the frames, hammer in a nail, and hang a binder clip!




Caleb has had fun with a few projects too! We made collages of his favorite things, a reindeer with his foot and hands, and tons of other things. :) He is starting to get into coloring and "blue" aka glue. I love this sweet guy! He loves having dance parties! His current favorites are Dominic the Donkey and Jingle Bells....he is quite the singer. :) One day last week he said, "You turned on Gingle Bell Wock (Jingle Bell Rock) and I get fwustwated (frustrated)." Cannot believe this time last year he was just starting to talk! He seems to enjoy things so much more this year, like decorating the tree, checking out the snow, and wearing hats...yes, he is wearing a donkey hat below. :)

Hope you all are enjoying your winter so far...be content, friends!

Our Journey of Grief and Joy

Zoe Marie Goodwin was born at 6:23 am on November 3, 2011. She was 5.5 inches long and 1.5 ounces in weight. I was 17 weeks, but I probably miscarried around 15 weeks. I had no signs of miscarriage but found out through an undetectable heartbeat. I was induced and labored for around 15 hours, but I am so thankful I was able to do that for her.

Rather than chronicle all the details of her birth and my feelings of grief, I want to share with all my readers the things that have been especially encouraging to me. I will not be fake, this is HARD, but I genuinely find such healing in seeing the Lord's kindness in this journey. First and foremost, I am blown away by God's sustaining grace in the midst of such heartache. This has been so affirming of my faith. I analyze my faith way too much and question my salvation at times. Given that I am a person prone to anxiety, I cannot deny the power of the Holy Spirit inside me after this. Emotions have been up and down, but underlying all that is a strong anchor.

There were and still are so many evidences of God's kindness: I had the privilege of being cared for by the most thoughtful and caring doctors and nurses I have ever known. My favorite nurse was to leave in 30 minutes, and I gave birth to Zoe just in time. The medicine that was supposed to have terrible side effects was bearable. My labor was peaceful. My friends have been amazing. I have had the privilege of sitting under such gospel-centered teaching at Christ's Covenant Church for the last year, and I know it was to prepare me for this suffering. I began a friendship just about a month ago with a young woman who lost her little girl this summer...our daughters are buried next to each other.

I have really thought a great deal about the gospel lately, moreso than I ever have. No matter how much I am hurting, my greatest need has been met. I am a sinner in desperate need of salvation. The punishment required for my sin was payed in full by Christ. In addition,knowing that I have hope for resurrection because Christ has been raised has been incredibly encouraging. This life is temporary. These are all things I have always known, but I am more fully realizing them now, and I’m thankful. These quotes describe what I am thinking better than I can:
‎
"Jesus is enough, but that kind of satisfaction is only experienced when we understand our greatest needs to be redemption and restoration. God in Christ has reconciled us to himself, is renewing our minds, and promises to raise us from the dead, and we will dwell in righteousness and peace forever. If you have this, what more do you need?" Joe Thorn in Note to Self, The Discipline of Preaching to Yourself

"Are you a distressed believer? Is your heart pressed down with sickness, tried with disappointments, overburdened with cares? To you I say this day, “Behold the cross of Christ.” Think whose hand it is that chastens you; think whose hand is measuring to you the cup of bitterness which you are now drinking. It is the hand of Him who was crucified! It is the same hand which, in love to your soul, was nailed to the accursed tree. Surely that thought should comfort and hearten you. Surely you should say to yourself, “A crucified Savior will never lay upon me anything that is not for my good. There is a needs be. It must be well.” -J.C. Ryle

Scripture that has ministered to my heart:

*1 Corinthians 1:3-11: There is purpose in this…I want to make Jesus famous! I especially love verse 9…God has surely made me rely more on him.

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 6 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. 7Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
8For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. 9Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 10 He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. 11 You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.

*Isaiah 43: 1b-2: I am chosen by the Lord for salvation. The Lord knows me personally, and I cannot tell you how much I have felt that this last month. I can rest in that.

1But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.

*2 Samuel 12:21-23: This passage is often used as proof that babies go to heaven. David knows that one day he will see his child in heaven, but that his child will never return to him. What encouragement to know this truth that Zoe is in heaven! All she knew was peace…she never had to experience the pain in this world.

21Then his servants said to him, "What is this thing that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive; but when the child died, you arose and ate food." 22He said, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, 'Who knows whether the LORD will be gracious to me, that the child may live?' 23But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."

I didn’t think I’d be ready to read a book about miscarriage and infant loss so soon, but I have been so encouraged by Angie Smith. She is the author of the book I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy” (so fitting) and a mom who has been there. It has been so refreshing to have my thoughts validated in how she writes. The following quotes express my thoughts perfectly.

“I will never forget the day you were born. Nobody who was a part of it will either. April 7 was one of the best days of my life. You made me brave, Audrey girl. Your mommy used to be afraid of the hospital, afraid of the noises and the smell of medicine. My whole life I have been afraid. I wasn’t afraid that day. I was peaceful. I was calm. I was in the presence of the Lord Himself more than any other time of my life. I listened as they told me about what would happen that day, and I nodded. I surrendered. I stopped worrying about me and I just fell into the arms of the Lord. He carried us all that day, didn’t He?”

(in speaking of how lives have been changed by Audrey’s birth and death)
“You are the greatest miracle I have every been a part of, and I want you to know how incredibly proud I am to have been chosen to be your mommy. I promise you that I will never stop being your voice here on Earth. I will tell everyone about the little girl who came in a three-pound body to change hearts.”

The following is a song that she wrote with her husband who is in Selah. It is absolutely beautiful.


Finally, my dear husband wrote this wonderful blog post here not long after Zoe’s death. I appreciate his leadership of our family during this difficult time. Please take time to read it. There is hope in the gospel! Through all this, I want to make Jesus known. The pain we feel is deep, the grief is random and up and down, but we have found great hope in the gospel. Whether or not you have lost a child, it is my prayer that everyone who reads this walks away with a greater appreciation for God’s great love for us through sending His son Jesus. Please, please, email me at stephgoodwin@gmail.com if you have questions about infant loss or a relationship with Christ. I would LOVE to talk.

We are so thankful for these pictures! The first is of Zoe at just 7 weeks. I love this picture. :) You can just see the beginnings of her arms but no legs yet. The second is Zoe at 13 weeks, the last one of her alive. We love you, sweet girl!

Salvation Must be Earned

People seem to have an innate sense that, if there is a God, they must somehow earn their standing with Him. It seems hard-wired into the human psyche. And I've often wondered why that is. Recently, I feel like a light has finally come on. I realized why so many of us flatly assume that salvation must be earned.

You want to know what I came to realize? ....

Salvation must be earned.

I know. I know. Just hear me out....I realize that Paul wrote in "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast" (Eph. 2:8-9). I know he wrote that eternal life is a "free gift" of God (Rom. 6:23); and I know, a few chapters earlier, he went to great lengths to emphasize that we are justified by faith alone...

I also know that one of the most foundational tenents of Christianity is that we are justified "by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone."

So why on earth would I say, "salvation must be earned?"

First, notice what I didn't say. I didn't say that salvation must be earned by us. God's inspired writers of Scripture flatly deny that possibility (see the passages above and many others)....But our salvation and our standing with God are still dependent on works...Just not our works.

Good standing with God is not something He just gives willy-nilly. Despite what you might have been taught all your life, God's favor must be earned....God only gives life, reward, and good standing to the perfectly righteous. Don't believe me? Jesus Himself said in His famous Sermon on the Mount, "You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

So...left to ourselves, we are helpless. None of us can meet that perfect standard. But there is one man, Jesus, who did. He lived an entire lifetime that was full of perfect works and total righteousness. He is the one person ever who earned the Father's favor and reward.

And His perfect record can be counted to us if we repent of our sins and trust in Him. His death on the cross can atone for our sins, and His perfect obedience can be counted to us--allowing us to be the rightful recipients of God's favor. What a humbling and glorious truth! As Paul said in 2 Corinthians 5:21, "For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

So salvation IS by works. That's how God operates....Salvation is not by our works though. Salvation is by Christ's works--His perfect life of obedience and His sacrificial death in our place.

Next time you are having a discussion with someone about the gospel and they start to reveal their assumption that God's favor is something that has to be earned, don't be so quick to convince them otherwise. It must be earned. And it has been earned--if we will only place our trust in the One who's earned it.

Video Mania

I am tired and don't feel like writing, so this post is all video...more fun, right? I love our sweetie! He is such a big boy! Excited for the start of fall soon. :)

Wedding Time!

What a FUN week we had! We just got back from celebrating Uncle Jordan and Aunt Megan's wedding. We love them so much, and it was a joy to share in their special day! Here are are "lights" from the whole week. Join in on this fun blog carnival created by my SIL, Lindsay...it'll keep you blogging!

*Spent some time with Caity, Caleb's favorite teenager...story time and McDonald's....it was a dream day for my sweetie!

*Watched Luke, Caleb's younger buddy, and then visited with his mommy, Hanni, and sister, Anya...what a blessing it was!
*Went to the doc (me) and was tentatively diagnosed with IBS..ahem...irritable bowel syndrome...really wanting to get healthy...I felt really sick a lot of this week.


*Traveled to Indy and had a great rehearsal and wedding on Friday!! Marc did such a good job doing the ceremony...I love seeing his passion for the Lord and love for his family. :)

I love my niece and nephew! They are pretty much the best there is. ;)


I got my makeup done and LOVED it! It felt good to feel pretty. :) Lindsay and I enjoyed our time together with the kiddos. We were so proud that they made it down the aisle!



I LOVED all the colors and the attire Megan picked out...everyone looked so pretty! Caleb loved his outfit and rocked the aisle!

Friday Night "Lights" Week 4/5

Hey guys! Hope you all are enjoying this beautiful summer we are having! Would love for you to join in on this fun blog carnival started by my SIL, Lindsay. It has been so fun to document our summer. :)

Here's what we've been up to the last 2 weeks:

*Went to D3 with the youth in Louisville...Caleb stayed with Pop and Gigi in Indy and had so much fun! I was so blessed by the teaching at D3...reminded that being a disciple of Jesus is serious and WORTH IT. Will have to blog about it in detail another time. ;) We are so thankful for our youth group...we had so much fun, and it was so cool to see them wanting to live out their faith!


*Celebrated Megan's upcoming wedding by painting and dining on yummy food!

*Sat under some great preaching by my hubby ;) Here's a link to his sermon!

*Celebrated 4th of July in our AWESOME town of Winona Lake...Caleb loved the fireworks, and we really enjoyed walking along the lake and getting ice cream!



*Enjoyed a photo shoot with my boys...Caleb didn't cooperate as much as we thought he would, but I know we got some good shots! Thanks, Kari! Here's a preview!


*Took Caleb to his 2 year well check...will contact First Steps for some therapy regarding gross motor stuff but otherwise a good report! On a yucky note, the gag test didn't sit well with him, and he threw up EVERYTHING he ate that day in the car seat on the way home....worst.cleanup.ever.

*Went to the Columbia City Splash Pad....had SUCH a blast. I didn't take my camera on purpose so I could enjoy my boy. He got right in the water. We stayed 2.5 hours!

*Tonight we are having friends over and then later finishing the 4th Harry Potter movie. We really are getting into them!

On a random note, have you all ever considered memorizing scripture? I am doing 2 verses a month, and I am loving it. I find that I really benefit from SLOWING DOWN and not feeling like I have to memorize a bunch at a time. It is essential that we have God's word in our hearts and minds when the world tells us lies. I just keep track of verses I want to memorize in my journal. Here is my current verse...very convicting...I use it often in my prayers:

Psalm 73: 25-2625 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Enjoy the sunshine!

Steph