Walking With Friends Through Loss of a Child

"Our sorrow is lent us for just a little while that we may use it for eternal purposes. Then it will be taken away and everlasting joy will be our Father's gift to us, and the Lord God will wipe away all the tears from off all faces." Amy Carmichael

Today we grieve with our friends as they mourn the loss of their infant son, William. He was born at 23 weeks and fought for about a week. I have been wanting to write a post like this for quite some time, but I never really made the time to do so. However, with recent events, I realize there are many who are at a loss of how to minister to this sweet couple. I am one of them. So, I wanted to share with you all some insights about what was helpful to me as we mourned Zoe. I think we all have those moments of, "I don't know what to say/do." I am there today. So, here it goes:

1. Keep it simple.
A lot of times as believers we want to say the "Christian" thing. It's tempting to want to fix the situation and fill the awkwardness with a bunch of words. When I was grieving early on, I was exhausted. Sometimes it was hard for me to attend to the sweet people who would want to stand with me and recount God's truth as a way of encouraging. I was so thankful for their hearts! However, early on especially, keep what you say simple. I am here for you...I am praying for you...I love you. Angie Smith in her book, I Will Carry You, suggests sometimes saying nothing at all is the best thing. Sometimes the best thing is to "be there, available, willing, authentic."

2. Avoid presuming things about God.
It is easy to want to encourage couples who have lost a baby by saying things like, "He will give you another child." However, that may not be true. Do you really want someone who is grieving a loss to make an idol out of having another child in the future? Instead, encourage them with the Gospel! The truth that Christ's sacrifice on the cross for us has met our greatest need is a truth that is unchanging! I love this quote by J.C. Ryle:

"Are you a distressed believer? Is your heart pressed down with sickness, tried with disappointments, overburdened with cares? To you I say this day, “Behold the cross of Christ.” Think whose hand it is that chastens you; think whose hand is measuring to you the cup of bitterness which you are now drinking. It is the hand of Him who was crucified! It is the same hand which, in love to your soul, was nailed to the accursed tree. Surely that thought should comfort and hearten you. Surely you should say to yourself, “A crucified Savior will never lay upon me anything that is not for my good. There is a needs be. It must be well.”

3. Acknowledge the loss.
Especially once the numbness wore off, I wanted people to acknowledge our loss. I remember Thanksgiving was hard for me because there were times where I could tell some family members wanted to know about Zoe but were nervous to talk about her. Angie Smith says, "When it didn't come up, I felt like she wasn't real. I wanted her to be acknowledged. Regardless of whether the loss is an early term miscarriage or the loss of a child, this was a life that had been entrusted to me as a parent, and I want her to be recognized." Ask the couple if they'd like to share about their child. Leave it up to them. As I will touch on below, everyone grieves differently, so they might not want to talk. But don't be afraid to ask. I had the privilege of sharing about Zoe with my mommy small group from last year. They organized a special night just for me. We came in comfy clothes, ate some goodies, and it was so healing for me to share about Zoe and God's goodness through it all.

4. You cannot rush grief. Everyone grieves differently.
Angie Smith says, "Grief is a winding, nasty road that has no predictable course, and the best thing you can do as a friend is to show up for the ride. You cannot rush grief." PLEASE be very careful how you compare your friends to others who have experienced loss. Avoid saying things like, "Well _______ seemed to cope well with their loss." It can be very hurtful to feel like you aren't "snapping out of it" fast enough or grieving like other people. Yes, please point your friends to the Lord and biblical truth, especially if they are becoming distant from or resentful toward God. However, recognize that grief is a long process. Be patient with the Lord as He works in your friends.

5. Consider your friends' feelings as you celebrate/complain about your pregnancy or life in general.
Social media is a tricky thing. Facebook has been difficult for me at times. However, I have tried to show people grace since a few months ago I was that girl who was complaining about her life stress and/or celebrating my pregnancy via Facebook. I would just ask that you be mindful of your friends' feelings. It is all about gratitude. When you are tempted to complain about swollen ankles, think of that friend who would give anything to have swollen ankles. When you want to announce to your friends your pregnancy, maybe take your friends aside and ask them how they are feeling and express care for them. That simple acknowledgement means so much! My friend Janelle had her baby shower a few weeks after Zoe was born. We rode together, and she took the initiative to pray with me before we went in. That meant the world to me! Do not feel guilty for being blessed with a healthy child!! Just be mindful of what your friends may be feeling.

6. Pray for your friends often...even if it has been a "while" since the loss.
I am so thankful for our church family and the care they continue to show us! We are now in a tricky time as the raw emotion is wearing off but the hurt is still there. As we approach Zoe's due date I am comforted and encouraged by the prayers lifted up on our behalf. We are changed people. The loss will always be felt. Acknowledge that and pray for your friends.

7. Get practical.
After we lost Zoe, it became difficult to do normal things. It was healing to move on and get back in a routine, but there were still days where I just wanted to stop everything and cry. Life for everyone else kept moving, but I wanted time to stand still. Especially if your friends have other children, help them with practical things. Make them a meal, offer to watch their kids, etc. That gives them more time to spend with the Lord, journaling, crying, etc.

I hope this is helpful for you all. We have been both on the giving and receiving end of this kind of ministry, but I still don't feel like an "expert." Simply put...pray for wisdom. The Lord will give it! Please keep my friends Dan and Amanda and their family in your prayers.

Love,
Steph