Still Standing

This week I am linking up with other mommies who have lost babies or are struggling with infertility. Still Standing magazine is a new online magazine that has been a HUGE encouragement to me, and I look forward to being an encouragement to other bereaved mothers. The link to the magazine is on the right side of my blog under Favorite Sites. So, the link up is called The Journey, and I am supposed to write about where I am at currently, so here it goes. :)

 *For those of you visiting from SS, you can find Zoe's story here.

*Here is another post I wrote about helping a friend through the loss of a child.

 God is good. Really good. I am such a weak person on my own, and I continue to be in awe of how the Holy Spirit empowers me to keep going. Things have not been easy lately, but I can daily see God's goodness. I struggle adjusting hormonally after having babies, so that has been the hardest thing as of late. It's especially hard when you don't have a baby to hold to remind you that it was worth it! Still, Zoe WAS worth it. I am a different wife, mom, friend, and Christ-follower because of her. My friend, Kari, shared this quote on Facebook that resonated with me as I considered my journey:

 "If God does not give you that which you like, He will give you that which you need. A physician does not so much study to please the taste of the patient, as to cure his disease. We complain that very sore trials lie upon us; let us remember that God is our Physician, therefore He labours rather to heal us than to humor us." (Thomas Watson, 1663)

 This quote continues to minister to my heart when emotions run wild:
"Are you a distressed believer? Is your heart pressed down with sickness, tried with disappointments, overburdened with cares? To you I say this day, “Behold the cross of Christ.” Think whose hand it is that chastens you; think whose hand is measuring to you the cup of bitterness which you are now drinking. It is the hand of Him who was crucified! It is the same hand which, in love to your soul, was nailed to the accursed tree. Surely that thought should comfort and hearten you. Surely you should say to yourself, “A crucified Savior will never lay upon me anything that is not for my good. There is a needs be. It must be well.” -J.C. Ryle

 I have really been thinking lately about this whole "new normal" concept. How do I balance "moving on" with remembering Zoe? I have really come to this conclusion. One of the best ways I can honor Zoe is to use her life as a platform to share the gospel and the ultimate satisfaction that comes from knowing Christ. I recently read this blog post here that was so thought provoking and helped me to process some of the things I have been feeling lately. It is titled "When You Lose a Baby", and these two statements really stuck out:

 "There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up."
"You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

 What do I say when people ask how many children I have? That question still gets me. It depends on the person. Sometimes I say two, other times I avoid the awkwardness and say one, knowing that this doesn't mean I didn't love her. My mother-in-law blessed me so much the other day when she shared with me that she cried a little bit when she attended a work baby shower because she thought of Zoe. That meant so much to me! It was indeed a precious gift to me.

 Speaking of gifts, I will close with this: I have really come to find that Marc and I have been given a gift (in a really messed up way). Zoe's due date was on Easter. As we celebrated the resurrection of Christ, we also celebrated Zoe being with Him in heaven. That brings us such comfort, and I feel like we will always celebrate Easter differently knowing that our daughter is safe and at peace because of what Christ accomplished! As we sang these words from "I Will Rise" I realized that that was exactly what Zoe was experiencing!! All she knows is heaven...wow. 
And I will rise when He calls my name
 No more sorrow, no more pain
 I will rise on eagles' wings
 Before my God fall on my knees
 And rise I will rise
 And I hear the voice of many angels sing, "Worthy is the Lamb"
 And I hear the cry of every longing heart, "Worthy is the Lamb"

 This song by Nicol Sponberg also speaks of this gift. She is Angie Smith's sister-in-law, and she lost her son to SIDS shortly after Angie lost her daughter. The chorus says, "Your days here changed everything. You're missed here and will always be, but you left here the greatest gift of all 'cause our hearts ache for Home."

Oh how I yearn for heaven, but oh how I also yearn to bring glory to God in this journey. Much love to you, friends. Thanks for reading.