The End of an Era

Psalm 25:10a says, "All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness." What a fitting verse I read last night as I pondered God's faithfulness to Marc and I as we've grown our family over the last 8 years! I still cannot believe I am a momma to four kids, three on earth and one in heaven. When I was in the throws of postpartum depression and anxiety with Caleb and Emma or grieving the loss of Zoe, never in a million years did I think I would have the strength to "handle" more pregnancies and more kiddos. BUT GOD. He is so kind in giving more grace! They are a gift, daily reminding me of my weakness and my need for Jesus.

I want to document sweet baby Charlie's birth story and bring closure to this blog. As you can see, I haven't blogged much the last few years. I am not much of a writer, and I am finding I love to document our lives in different ways like Chatbooks and good old fashioned hard copy baby books. I want to be more present with my family, and I just began to see this blog as another thing to keep up with. I am FOREVER grateful for the opportunity to blog during the loss of Zoe, and I have had many opportunities to point people to my blogs for support. I hope to continue to do that. As I bring this blog to a close, I want to share about our sweet baby Charlie (who's now a year old!) but also encourage other families by talking about how we decided to be done having biological children. It's such a huge decision and isn't talked about a whole lot in the Christian community.

My pregnancy with Charlie was definitely the hardest mentally. I am not sure why. I wasn't so much anxious about his well being, but I experienced more discomforts that just wore me down big time. Earlier nausea, weird migraines, insomnia, etc. Plus, we moved early on in my pregnancy, and I had to adjust to a lot of changes that came with that. So, I was definitely ready to have this baby! My due date was Tuesday November 8th, Election Day. By golly, Charlie sure was right on time. Early Tuesday morning somewhere in the middle of the night I began have a hard time sleeping. That wasn't completely unusual for me, but I was pretty uncomfortable. I had a feeling it was going to be an interesting day! Marc went to vote that day and planned to come home at lunch time. I had already voted absentee in hopes that I'd be in labor! My friend Esther came over to distract me that morning, and by then I was confident I was in early labor. The rest of the day was spent doing random things to try to keep my mind off of the pain. My labors are VERY long, but not crazy intense til the end. I remember not eating a whole lot and trying to rest some too.

By evening time things were approaching intense. I am so so glad that we are close to the hospital....like 2 minutes close. My labor was so erratic that it was hard to know when I needed to go in. Luckily I had to get antibiotics for Group B strep, and so I knew I needed at least 4 hours for those. My contractions were super frequent but not lasting long. I tried to pass the time by watching election coverage...not encouraging. :) I tried to sleep, but by this point I was unable. So, I prayed and let my hubby sleep a few hours before we left for the hospital around 3 a.m. My labors are always active in the middle of the night. All three living children were birthed on only a few hours of sleep. God's grace is so present in those moments!!

My parents started making the trip here from Indy, and I got settled in at the hospital. My nurse Kim was amazing! She was wonderful with suggesting different positions and was so respectful of our wishes. She loved Jesus and prayed with us during labor. I also had a doula named Carli who helped with relaxation and breathing. Along with my super supportive husband, I felt like I was ready to birth naturally. I have always had side effects or complications with epidurals, so I really wanted to try this time to do things without meds. My labors tend to stall and need Pitocin, so this time I tried sitting on a birthing ball, and that was so helpful with progression. With other labors I would walk, but I felt so exhausted early on that I was grateful for another option. My water finally broke, and things progressed quickly after that.

Labor at the end for me is usually very fast and intense, and Charlie was no different. This time, though, it was discovered that he was sunny side up, which meant painful back labor...of course the one time I opt for no epidural! I panicked big time and begged for an epidural. With back labor you feel like you need to push constantly, but in reality you aren't ready...it's such a bad trick! Luckily Kim came to the rescue and suggested another position in which I turned on my side and put my outer leg over my body...sounds terrible I know. However, I will never forget that within minutes I literally felt Charlie turn in my body. So crazy! I yelled that I needed to push and they kept saying not yet, thinking it was back labor still. I begged Kim to check, and I was right! Time to push...I kept screaming during contractions, and Kim even had to yell at me to stop yelling and use that energy for pushing. She rocked...I so needed that reality check, and my sweet husband wouldn't have done it. :) Just a few excruciating pushes and Charlie arrived, delivered by nurse Kim since the doc couldn't get there fast enough!

I was so so exhausted, moreso than with any other baby. I get why many ladies stop having babies at my age! Labor was much different for my 33 year old self than my 26 year old self. :) But the miracle of birth was not lost on me! I love those first moments of holding your warm squishy baby skin to skin. A few hours later our family got to meet Charlie for the first time, and we then got to introduce the big kids to baby Charlie. Oh, it was so sweet! The first thing Caleb said was, "He has hair just like you wanted!" I lost it...ha! I really wanted a baby with lots of dark hair because Emma and Caleb were both baldies. It's funny the things you cry about after delivering a baby.

Charlie is/was the best baby. He had weight issues early on that required lots of patience and endurance, but he is now a thriving little one year old. Today at lunch, Caleb's great grandpa said, "He sure is a jolly fellow!" That is the perfect description of him. He is a great mix of Emma and Caleb both in looks and personality. He goes with the flow and handles transition like it's no big deal, like when he switched to formula at 5 months or switching to a sippy cup of whole milk most recently. He loves to make people laugh, and he is my only kid that is a momma's boy, often reaching for me when someone else is holding him. It's been especially fun to see Caleb be in awe of Charlie and all the changes he went through this year. He LOVES being a big brother to a boy.

I am looking forward to sharing with you all about our process in deciding to be done having biological children in a future post. It is definitely a bitter sweet time, but it is also a time that again shows the faithfulness of God to us!

Pure.exhaustion.

Me losing it when Caleb said, "He has lots of dark hair like you wanted!"

One of my favorites...ready to go home!

First pic of our family of five!

Caleb's Five Year Old Interview

A bit late...he will be 6 in like 5 months. :) Love this little guy!

Favorite food: french fries
Dislike: ketchup
Favorite toy: marble run
Favorite place to go: McDonald's
Favorite show: Care Bears and Phineas and Ferb
Favorite thing to do outside: ride my scooter
Favorite animal: giraffe
Favorite book: Magic School Bus and Care Bears
What makes me happy: when you take pictures of me
Favorite color: black
Favorite thing about Mommy: She helps me clean the house.
Favorite thing about Daddy: You help me clean too.
Favorite thing about Emma: She reads books with me.
Favorite snack: Goldfish and Cheddar Bunnies
Favorite song: Mrs.Vogel's songs and Bible Book Bop
Friends: (apparently he has none;) Anna, Ethan
What I want to be when I grow up: Firefighter

Great Is Thy Faithfulness: Thoughts on Change

Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
there is no shadow of turning with thee;
thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not;
as thou hast been thou forever will be.

Refrain:
Great is thy faithfulness! Great is thy faithfulness!Morning by morning new mercies I see;
all I have needed thy hand hath provided;
great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
sun, moon and stars in their courses above
join with all nature in manifold witness
to thy great faithfulness, mercy and love. Refrain

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! Refrain

Admittedly, the season of fall comes with anxiety for me. Just as our beautiful trees in our yard change colors and drop leaves in what feels like a heartbeat, our lives have often changed quickly in the fall. Fall is always the time we remember our baby girl, Zoe, who we met and said goodbye to on November 3, 2011. Last fall was a very dark time for me, actively struggling with intense insomnia, vertigo, and post-partum depression. I so desperately wanted this fall to be different. Early in the fall, I prayed for a greater affection for Jesus. I had felt like I had been coasting in my walk with the Lord, and I missed the closeness I experienced after Zoe died. Little did I know that this fall would be a beautiful season of change in my heart. 

It began with this sermon by Dr. Harmon titled "A People for God's Own Possession." He chronicles the history of God's people waiting for the "serpent crusher." I was able to experience the love of God in such a fresh way by being able to see how God so lovingly weaved the events of history together to ultimately lead to Christ. Shortly after that we celebrated Zoe's heaven birthday. It was such a sweet time as a family. We decided to make it a tradition to have a birthday dinner, get new flowers for her grave, and write messages to her on a pumpkin. 

I really feel like I reached a turning point in my grief this fall. Last fall I was navigating PPD, the previous fall I was pregnant with Emma and kind of stuffed my grief for the sake of my health and her health. This fall I felt like I cried more and thought of Zoe more, but it was so healing! I watched her memorial service for the first time, and I wept so much, but not for the reason I thought. The most encouraging part was to hear the pastors pray and be able to look back on how the Lord answered! Our God is SO BIG. He has sustained us and used Zoe's life for His glory! I have been able to share the gospel with more people because of Zoe and have walked with other sweet mommas through loss. I am so weak from a worldly standpoint: prone to anxiety, "emotional", etc. It takes a big God to not only sustain someone like me through such a heartache but to also turn it around for HIS glory. Oh, it's so beautiful, friends!

My heart is so full. I have seen God so tangibly answer my prayer for greater affection for Jesus. How I spend my time is different. I worship more thoughtfully and passionately. I have never seen God's hand on my life so clearly than I have this fall. As I look back on the past I can so clearly see His love through me both through the good and bad. So while falls of the past have been filled with difficult change, God has been so kind to have me experience positive change. Change is HARD. I am so thankful we serve a God who NEVER CHANGES. Along with Great Is Thy Faithfulness, I have really been moved by the song "The Rock Won't Move." Enjoy, and please be encouraged that no matter what changes come they are ALL for our good and His glory.

He Gives and Takes Away: Grieving Loss While Celebrating Life

"The baby's coming," the nurse whispered. I looked at Marc, let out a cry, and said,"Thank you, God, it's almost over." In my mind I had no idea what to do in that moment because we knew we would not be seeing a living, breathing Zoe. This was no normal birth, as Zoe breathed her last breath at 17 weeks. So we sang, "Blessed be the Name, on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be the Name. He gives and takes away, he gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be the Name." As I sat in church singing that song last week, I immediately began crying, going back to that day a little over two years ago. I am thankful for these sweet reminders of our second born, but this momma's heart still aches to know her here on earth.

I have had many moments like this over the last year, more recently as we celebrated Emma's first birthday. It has been an interesting journey. Having a "rainbow baby" is such a tremendous gift! Yet I have been surprised that I have grieved Zoe even more, seeing what she could have been. I have been bothered lately as Marc and I have talked about having more children in the future, whether biologically or through adoption. Something has felt off, and I couldn't put my finger on it. I'd sought the Lord and asked for wisdom. These decisions are huge, especially when having children hasn't been a smooth journey for us. I felt/feel completely helpless, and yet I know that is right where the Lord wants me. Our journey to build our family has kept me desperate for Him! I received such a gift the other night...clarity of sorts. I need to stop trying to shake off this feeling that something is "off." Something...someONE...will always be missing. I carried another baby for 17 weeks, and she is not here. As we look to having more children in the future, it will probably never feel "right." Zoe will always be missing, but what a kindness of God to give us our two children!

I feel like I can breath a sigh of relief now. It is perfectly okay to feel an emptiness and still fully celebrate God's kindness in giving Emma life! Angie Smith calls this "the sacred dance of grief and joy", and the two feelings can coexist! We had such a sweet time celebrating Emma last month! We had her party a few weeks early so family could come to both that and the parent dedication at church. There was lots of snow, so God was kind in getting our family here! Her theme was hearts since it was close to Valentine's Day. She was a happy little lady, and she especially enjoyed the wrapping paper. She seemed a bit confused about all the singing and the cake, but she was a good sport. What a joy she is!

I also don't want to forget about celebrating the life of our Caleb. He is becoming quite the little man. What a great big brother he is! He loves playing with Emma and likes to protect her. We enjoyed time at the dentist together yesterday. He was so cute as he waited for me to finish up after his appointment, just sitting there admiring his treats from the treasure box. :)

May we all marvel at God's kindness more and more each day, friends!

Escaping...Thoughts from an Introverted Mom

"Will you play with me, Mommy?" I technically could, but instead I say, "Not now, buddy. I have to go do chores." This is a common occurrence in our house. You might think that it is perfectly fine because I am responsible for "keeping house." However, it wasn't until recently that it was brought to my attention that this response can be a form of escape from my kids.

I am going through the book Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson with my friends Liz and Anne. It has been really good for me! I am finding that I am an introverted mom. I don't love to pretend play with my kiddos...gasp! It's exhausting for me to take them places and go on adventures. It doesn't mean I don't love them, it's just that I prefer to stay home and do quiet things, like read books and do puzzles. I am daily challenged to die to myself and do things that Caleb wants to do because I love him! Here are some highlights from a chapter in Desperate that help explain what I mean by wanting to escape:

"I don't want to look back in fifteen or twenty years and regret my choices during these days just because they were long and hard. I want to look back and know that I was an intentional mother doing everything I could to nurture the souls of my children. They need me; they need me in their reality."

"Sometimes I avoid my children...I have a problem giving myself to my children; laying down my life, so to speak, for them. And it's an ugly revelation. I'm trying to escape from my children, from my life."

"You and I, we love our children to the core of our beings. We would die for them. But for some reason we have a hard time putting away our books, or our computers, or our crafts in order to serve them. encourage them, and fill their souls with life."

"Choosing to enter into the mundane with our children, who see playing ponies as anything but ordinary, is a sacrifice of love."

I think as an introverted mom I am tempted to want to escape more. Not run away escape...although I think I have had moments where I felt that overwhelmed! I want quiet and a "break", getting overstimulated easily. I am learning that some of these feelings are normal and that I shouldn't beat myself up over wanting a break. When I get in trouble is when I think I NEED a break or DESERVE a break. I think on Jesus often in my parenting, and consider this section from Philippians 2 often:

2 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, ² complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. ³ Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. ⁴ Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. ⁵ Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,^[a] 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, ⁷ but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant,^[b] being born in the likeness of men

Do I count my family more significant when I try to escape? Am I looking to their interests? I must think on Christ, the ULTIMATE example of humility, who emptied himself so that I can have eternal life! When I realize the magnitude of Christ's emptying of himself, how can I not desire to serve my family selflessly? I am regularly having to pray for wisdom. Desiring a break and quiet time is not sinful at its core...a break is life giving to a tired mommy! However, what is in my heart? What are my motives?

My word for this year is "simple." I am trying to live more simply each day and focusing on what matters. My children and their souls matter. I want to meet them more in their reality instead of trying to avoid them and escape mentally by doing chores or getting on the internet. I love them dearly! The other day I took pictures of them in a seemingly normal situations, but when I stopped to really look at them, I was filled with such joy. What a privilege to be their Mommy! 

I LOVE when I catch Emma just being still, studying a book or DVD. Makes her look so old. :)

We built a fort, and it stayed up for 3 days! I love Caleb's imagination. We used the pillows as wood to build a chimney. He used his play saw to cut and tried to explain the process to Emma. At one point we also played "Skate Park." He used Emma's toy house as a ticket counter, got pretend tickets, and put on a show after he punched my ticket. :)

Just discovered that Caleb moves his mouth when he's concentrating on doing school work. So cute. :)

Word for the Year

In recent years it has become popular to pick a word for the year. I have never been big on resolutions, so it was appealing for me to have just a word to focus on that can lead to goals in my daily living. My word for this year: simple.

Why this word? I have noticed since having Emma how scatter-brained I am many days. Of course some of that is completely normal as a mother of two littles! However, I think a lot of my issues come from being distracted by unimportant matters, like getting a specific to-do list done, checking Facebook, being caught up on emails, etc. I lack focus, majoring on minor things. The Holy Spirit brought me to conviction especially when I continually was brought to passages like Romans 8: 5-7. I can't tell you how many times a devotional I read or a friend referenced this passage. I know it was no coincidence!

 ⁵ For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. ⁶ For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. ⁷ For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. ⁸ Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Setting your mind on something involves effort, stewing. Most nights I put my head on my pillow and realize how much of my day I have stewed about "things of the flesh." My soul feels dead, and discouragement sets in. Did you see where it said that a mind set on the flesh is "hostile to God?" Yes! That was the conviction I needed. Do I want to be hostile to God? Of course not! However, setting my mind on things of the world was not honoring God! It wasn't until I began to meditate on this verse and focus my prayers on asking God what he wants me to "do" in a day that I felt "life and peace." 

So, I want to live more simply. This passage of scripture helped me to bring my thoughts into focus.

Mark 12:30-31
And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all yoursoul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” 

If how I am spending my time isn't helping me to love God or love others, then I should evaluate if that particular action is necessary. In the least, I should limit my time. For example, sometimes Facebook really helps me love God and others. I love to post verses or send encouraging messages. I read a lot of great articles via Facebook too. However, most of my time spent on there is mindlessly reading through statuses in order to escape from reality. Usually it's when I am stressed or "need a break from the kids." 

What are some specific ways I hope to apply my word for this year, simple?

1. Pray over my "to do" list daily. Ask for wisdom regarding knowing when my perfectionism is coming out and when that task or chore is a way to show my love for God and others.

2. Keep meals simple. I love clean eating! Meals don't have to be fancy! Resist the urge to constantly try new recipes. 

3. Don't overcommit to Bible studies and read too many books. This year I want to focus on continuing my plan to read the whole Bible in two years and memorizing Romans 1, 8, and 12. The Roman's Project was a great program Ann Voskamp did last year, and I hope to complete it!

4. When push comes to shove, I want to value people over tasks! Make sure I am spending time just talking and playing with my children!

Do any of you have a word for the year?

Year in Review

It has been great to look back and see God's kindness in the ups and downs. Thought it would be fun to pick one major event from each month!

January: Waiting for Emma to be born! Stephanie enjoyed her last days with it being just her and Caleb.

February: We welcomed our rainbow baby, Emma, to our family! Steph remembers shouting, "She's alive!" the moment she was born.

March: We loved all the visitors after Emma was born, but this was the month we got in our groove as a family of four.

April: We survived a TERRIBLE stomach virus. Caleb got it first, and then Steph and Marc got it at the same time! Steph's friend Barb had to take her to the hospital for fluids in the middle of the night!

May: Marc did the mini-marathon, and we had a nice visit in Indianapolis. Emma didn't love her first trip. She had a lot of trouble sleeping while we were there, and we were a bit overwhelmed. :)

June: Birthday month! Caleb turned four, and we took him to his first musical called Shrek the Musical. Marc turned 30! We had fun at the end of the month traveling back to Indianapolis and celebrating with the Goodwins by bowling at Pinheads. Emma did much better this trip!

July: Marc had pinky surgery and was surprised how hard the recover was.

August: Marc and Steph went to St. Joseph, Michigan to celebrate her birthday. It was our first time away from both kids, and they did great!

September: Caleb started preschool!!

October: This was a really hard month for Steph's health. Her vertigo and fatigue reached a peak, and she suffered from terrible insomnia. She is feeling better now, but is going to a neurologist soon to talk about a possible diagnosis of MS (multiple sclerosis).

November: We remembered Zoe's second heaven birthday. We have found we grieve her in a different way since having Emma. Now that we see what she could have been, we think of her more often and have been surprised at how many tears have been shed. Many think that a rainbow baby makes things "easier."

December: We had such a sweet time in Indianapolis celebrating our Savior's birth and sending Marc's brother and family off to move to Boston.

Happy New Year, friends!

Current Happenings

What a year of changes for our family! We hope to resurrect this blog in order to continue to share "good words" and to keep long distance family and friends up to date about the ordinary things in our lives. :) Here are some very brief updates:

Marc:
*Continues to love serving at CCC and recently became an elder. He is now in charge of the whole Family Life Department. He is really excited about the opportunity and humbled at the task of serving families in this way.
*Completed the Indy mini again this past spring
*Had pinky surgery in the summer...didn't love the anesthesia and needles but made it through!

Steph:
*Thankful for God's daily grace in raising two little people. Being a mom of two has been both easier and harder than expected. :)
*Scaling back on commitments at church during this season of life and focusing on taking care of things at home to free Marc up to serve. She still enjoys serving in the church library and meeting with the teens individually occasionally.
*Enjoying meeting with neighborhood moms for support and studying God's word together
*Struggling with vertigo and fatigue pretty heavily....has off and on for five years. Diagnosed with migraine associated vertigo or possible early Meniere's Disease. Found out she has many food sensitivities that may contribute to it, so she is working hard at her diet.

Caleb:
*Started preschool!! He absolutely loves it. He is beginning to sound out words and really take off academically.
*Really into building and imagining things...went through a phase of building "ice cream machines"
*Loves to help with Emma and be a big brother
*Found out his peanut and soy allergies are much higher than we thought, so diet changes for him too :)

Emma:
*What a dear she is! She is a very easy baby like Caleb.
*Going through a lot of changes...starting solid food, cutting her two top teeth (four total!), down to two naps most days, slowing weaning to formula to help Mommy focus on her health
*Loves music, her jumperoo, rolling...not quite sitting yet but close

We continue to praise God for his kindness in getting us through each day, reminding us of truth, and growing us in both prosperity and hardship. Looking forward to writing more about what He is teaching us!

It's Been a While...

So, it's been forever since we posted anything on here, and instead of re-starting with some long, deep, thought-provoking post, we thought we'd share a relatively typical part of life. These two videos are from yesterday morning when our daughter tried rice cereal for the first time. It was her first intake of anything other than milk...Hope to post more regularly as time rolls on.

Thanksgiving Then and Now

It's amazing how much of a difference a year can make. Last Thanksgiving we had Zoe heavy on our hearts. It had only been 3 weeks since I delivered. I remember feeling relieved for some distraction but also terrified. I wanted people to ask about her and acknowledge our loss, but I was also panicked that I would break down if they did. So, I just kinda went through the day in a fog.

 So much has changed. This year I am still thinking of her. I can't help it this time of year remembering where we were in our grief. However, I am so thankful for where God has brought us. Caleb is a year older and is such a funny ball of energy. He is starting to really develop passions, most recently music class. I teared up the other day in class hearing his sweet voice...the same voice that screams bloody murder at us in the middle of the night, not wanting to sleep...ha! :) In addition, I am sitting here in awe of God's creation as I feel this little person kicking inside of me. What a terrifying yet faith-growing season this pregnancy has been...27 weeks tomorrow, wow! Read an AWESOME quote yesterday in Erin Davis's book Beyond Bathtime: "When you aren't sure you're going to bring your baby home you spend less time painting the nursery and more time on your knees."

I am thankful for the innocence of this Thanksgiving, knowing that life is full of ups and downs and surprises, knowing that God hasn't promised easy. But he has promised:

 Jeremiah 29:11 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

 Psalm 71:20 You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again.

 Love what my friend, Sara, posted on Facebook yesterday: Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for all He has done. Colossians 2.7 So excited to celebrate thanksgiving, but really hope to grow in thanks-living. Let our lives overflow...

 Much love to you all today!
 Steph

In Memory of Zoe

 I cannot believe it has almost been a year since we lost Zoe. In honor of her life and death, we would like to donate books to grieving families to our local hospital maternity ward. The book is I Will Carry You by Angie Smith, a very Christ-centered and honest picture of "the sacred dance of grief and joy." These books would be sent home with families who have lost children, and we pray that the gospel would be made know through this.

 Would you consider giving? Just click "Chip In", and you can follow the directions. If you would rather give a personal check, you can email me at stephgoodwin@gmail.com, and we can give you our address. Whatever money we get will go towards purchasing books. We love you all and are thankful for your many prayers for our family over the last year.

 Much Love,
Stephanie

Daring to Plan

Today I am linking up with the Journey, a part of Still Standing Magazine. Sweet babyloss friends, a forewarning that this blog post is partially about pregnancy after loss. I hope you will still read and find hope in my journey but moreso in Christ!

Speaking of that hope in Christ...this video is AMAZING. Please take the time to watch it and be encouraged by this sweet couple. They have been through a great deal, but they really testify about how all of it reveals God's faithfulness to them. The most memorable quote: "I don't understand why a baby dying can be good, but I accept it....and I can't even tell you why." (She goes on to say that she knows that if it would be better for them and bring God greater glory that their daughter would still be alive).
With that said, a lot has happened since I last posted! On June 13th, we found out we were expecting our 3rd child! I am currently 16 weeks and, Lord willing, baby will be due around February 20th.We got to see baby move on the ultrasound the other day....at one point baby moved his/her arm by his/her face...I gasped and said, "That is so cool!" Notice that interjection, "Lord willing." I used to never think that way. I would make plans and assume God would come along for the ride. This kind of "practical atheism" pervaded my life. I often lived as if God didn't exist, not considering what he wanted for my life. How I plan has certainly changed, and I am kind of still learning that balance. So I guess this post is me trying to process out loud what is in my head, and I hope it is challenging to you all as well.

This post came to mind shortly after something unexpected happened at church a few months ago. A lady was teaching the teenage girls about having an eternal perspective. She asked us to close our eyes and picture our future. I closed my eyes and was surprised by tears streaming down my face. I couldn't do it. I couldn't picture my future. I was too nervous, being afraid that I would risk those things not coming true and being heartbroken all over again.

After Zoe died, I went through a period of unhealthily fearing God. I'm talking I was literally afraid of what he was going to bring me. Those feelings totally went against everything I knew to be true, but they were still there, and I had to deal with them. Jeremiah 29:11 immediately came to mind: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  God is for me. God is good...see my post in July so I don't repeat myself. :) Everything in my life is given to me to make me more like Christ...do I REALLY want to be more like Christ? Or would I rather have an easy life and no Christ?

So, I first had to be comfortable with God's goodness and His plans being good. Next, though, I wondered how do you plan as a believer? I don't think God wants me to cry when I picture the future and make no plans at all. The key I found is to not necessarily make no plans but make sure your plans consider God and His desires for you. Never assume God wants just what you want. Pray, be humble, and plan knowing that your plans may fail. I have really had Proverbs 16:9 stick out to me lately: "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

So, today, I am daring to dream. Daring to plan. God is for me. God is good. I can plan but plan with humility. So, how am I putting this into action? Today I signed up for free baby stuff. A big deal because after we lost Zoe I was SO sick of having all these coupons and formula sent to me...a dagger in the heart.  I have been so blessed by Fran at Small Bird Studios. She is expecting her second rainbow baby, and says so poignantly on her blog, "A lot of people have told me they are too expecting their rainbow babies. And they too have similar fears, and withholdings in pregnancy. I feel like this is one step in the right direction. It is okay to dream. Create a Pinterest board, get some ideas and dream for you and your baby. Hope is a beautiful thing."

That.it.is.

Good? What Good?

Today I am linking up with the sweet ladies of Still Standing Magazine, writing about where I am in this journey of losing Zoe.

I have been meditating on Romans 8:28-29 for quite some time. Here it is in the ESV:
  
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."

So, what is this "good"? Prosperity? Blessing? No way. That is what many will say, though. "If you love God your life will be easy." Look at vs. 29...he planned for us to be conformed to the image of Christ! THAT is the good that God has for us. Everything that happens in our lives is to point us to Christ and move us to be more like Him. That sounds good to me! However, this "good" can also be very painful. Just look at Christ's suffering on our behalf on the cross. That is the perfect example of good coming out of great pain.

So, that is where I am at. Continuing to strive to see the good that came from losing Zoe. Seems so unnatural to say, I know. I miss being pregnant with her. I miss the closeness I felt in holding her. Now she seems so far away. However, God's truth is an anchor for my soul when emotions don't match up. I am reading a great book called Faith and Feelings by Brian S. Borgman. I highly recommend it! One thing he talks about is how the Psalms so beautifully model for us how to express emotion in a godly way. Many Psalms begin with a lament to God...honest, painful, real feelings. Then they switch to praise and confidence in the Lord. Read Psalm 6, and you will see what I mean. What a great example for us! Sweet friends, cry, weep, scream...then remember TRUTH. The song below is also an amazing example of expressing emotion rightly and such an encouragement to my soul. My favorite line:
"Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about your faithfulness
Let my pain reveal your glory as my only real rest
Let my losses show me all I truly have is you"



I thought I would end the post with some tangible examples of good that has come from losing Zoe. No, I do not think God took Zoe from us for these reasons alone...His ways are higher than we know. However, His kindness to us is real and tangible, and I am thankful for these evidences of good. I am becoming more like Christ because of our daughter.

*Opportunities to share the gospel with family who normally wouldn't have listened
*Opportunities to encourage and be encouraged by strangers...most recently my hairdresser and young woman I met today at the cemetery...both had losses at 15 weeks
*Greater compassion for people...you never know what someone is going through
*Greater yearning for heaven
*Opportunities to plant seeds in my son about the awesomeness of God and heaven...last night he said, "Heaven will be fun. I want to go to heaven." He is showing more and more understanding about where Zoe is, and it doesn't scare him. Although, you can tell he wants to be a brother. He said the other day, "If another baby comes out will she stay with us?" Oh, buddy, I hope so. 
*Greater understanding of how the gospel impacts my daily life

Much love to you all,
Stephanie

Three Year Old Interview

What is your name?   Caleb Michael Guh-win

How old are you today?   Free (Three)
What is your favorite food?   Kips (Chips)
What food is yucky?   Keh-wits (Carrots)
What is your favorite toy?   Buh-yoon (Balloon)
Where is your favorite place to go?   Wah-maht (Walmart)
What do you like best on TV?   Super Why
What is your favorite thing to do outside?   Kawk (Chalk)
What is your favorite animal?   Guhwaffe (Giraffe)
What book do you like to read best?   Llama books
What makes you happy?   Playing
What makes you sad?   When I get hurt…that makes me sad
What is your favorite thing to wear?   Shuhts (Shirts)
What do you like best about your mom?   Purple and White
What do you like best about your dad?   Toys
What is your favorite color?   Owange (Orange)
What is your favorite snack?   Goldfish Kwackers (Crackers)
What is your favorite song? Geesus (Jesus) Loves Me

Who are some of your friends? Eli…that’s all
What do you want to be when you grow up? A buhyoon (Balloon)

Carrying Zoe

Who knew one little shirt at a garage sale could bring such a wave of emotion. This grief journey is full of the unexpected. It's been almost 7 months since we lost Zoe, and I am thankful that a lot of the raw emotion is dormant. However, now the grief is random and takes me by surprise.

I love the song "I Will Carry You", and this stanza really speaks to my recent feelings. I think it's tempting for people to assume that I have "moved on" because I look fine on the outside. Truth is, though, this journey isn't over. It really is a lifetime journey. It doesn't mean I bawl my eyeballs out every day, but the grief is still there, always changing.

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Last week I came across this shirt at a garage sale and realized that Zoe should be wearing it. Seconds later I hear a friend across the room excitedly share with a lady that her son will be a big brother in July...Caleb is a brother, just not in the way we expected. P.S. If said friend is reading this, I love you, and no worries. ;) I could feel the lump in my throat and kept myself busy talking to my little shopping buddy, who is quite the garage sale enthusiast! That helped!

Her memory is everywhere...I carry her wherever I go. Every time I get in my hubby's car the smell of it reminds me of those minutes spent driving different places the days following Zoe's death...to church to cry and pray with our friends, to Martin's to get coffee and try to digest everything, to the appointments,  to the cemetary. Every time we sing "Blessed Be Your Name" I weep, remembering the moment the nurse whispered, "The baby's coming." We had no idea what to do, so I sang as Marc shielded my eyes. I am so glad the Lord brought this song to mind in that moment of numbness. I remember her as I pass Zoe Street every day in our neighborhood. I originally would pray for my friend's daughter, Zoe, each time I would pass since she was waiting to be brought home from Ethiopia. Who would have thought that street would be so special just a few weeks later. Every time I watch certain t.v. shows I remember keeping the t.v. on almost constantly in the hospital, being afraid that the silence would force me to face reality.


Zoe's grave marker will be installed in the next few days. I am thankful that we could give that to her...something about the little temporary marker just makes me sad. I want her to be remembered and acknowledged. My mentor gave me such a sweet gift the other day by asking if she could come to the cemetery with me and see the grave marker when it's installed. She expressed wanting to be more of a part of that journey with me. I have continued to pray that I may show grace to friends and family as they interact with me during this time. Admittedly, I get disappointed at times, but I try to recognize that this isn't an easy situation. Some people just don't know what to say. However, sometimes I just wish someone would say something rather than nothing at all. I was so blessed by two ladies who came and hugged me on Mother's Day. I don't know either lady very well, and I was so blessed by their thoughtfulness.

Another new development is looking to the future. I have gone from being petrified to be pregnant again to being super impatient. I am experiencing trouble in the waiting period to say the least. We would love to have more children, but that involves waiting. Waiting to be pregnant first of all, and we don't want to assume that we will be blessed with fertility. Then the waiting NINE months for a baby to be born. Seems like forever! After having a rough night the other night with being weary about the waiting, I read the devotional found here. How timely! God is good.

All this to say, I hope to be honest on here so that whoever reads this is encouraged and challenged. If you have suffered a loss, I hope you know you are not alone. If you are a friend or family member of a bereaved mother and father, I hope this gives you perspective that could help you to better minister to them.

Much love,
Stephanie

A Big Deal

"Dude, you guys, it's pretty much a miracle your baby is alive." I love my OBGYN...she is so real in how she interacts with us. :) As we met with her last week to ask her questions about my health and our future fertility we casually discussed Caleb having Group B Strep at birth. We told her how I was a false negative when tested just a few weeks prior and how his only sign of being sick was slightly high respirations. We told her of how a doctor...I wish I now know who...decided to run some tests just hours before we were to be sent home. PRAISE GOD...THAT was a big deal. And, as the quote says, it was seemingly such a little thing at the time! So, we left our appointment feeling a little more grateful for Caleb's life. Then, just a few days later, I read a story of a lady whose baby died of undetected Group B Strep 3 weeks after birth. This baby was sent home, just like Caleb would have been.

 Do we realize what a MIRACLE life is? I feel like I have been given a gift the last few weeks, really being shown by the Lord what a miracle it is that our Caleb is alive, but also what a miracle it is that any babies are alive! I consider just the miracle of how God so intricately weaves together our little ones in our womb. How our bodies just know what to do. Even if your child was perfectly healthy at birth, he/she is a miracle! This is a big deal!

So, I leave you with this, written by a bereaved mommy who prays often for young mothers. You can read the whole post here.

 "I pray that he would give you an attitude of wonder when you look at your little ones. I pray that he would allow your mind to fathom the fact that they are walking and talking miracles. I pray that he would open your eyes to the fact that there are TOO MANY people who wish they were in your shoes. I pray that he would grant you the patience that you need each morning to gather all the littles up and rush them off to school or day care. I pray that he would give you a sweet voice and quiet love when the time comes for discipline. I pray that he would give you the strength to let go and allow them to explore their world. I pray that he would give you a sense of adventure to enjoy life, and all the ups and downs it has to offer, with them. I pray that peace would fill your home. I pray that God would give you an attitude of gratitude for each blessing he has given you. I pray that your marriage would be one of honor and a great example of love and unselfishness. I pray that your home would be full of the joy of Jesus. I pray that you would freely give out hugs and kisses even when they are not welcomed. I pray that you would praise instead of put down."

Still Standing

This week I am linking up with other mommies who have lost babies or are struggling with infertility. Still Standing magazine is a new online magazine that has been a HUGE encouragement to me, and I look forward to being an encouragement to other bereaved mothers. The link to the magazine is on the right side of my blog under Favorite Sites. So, the link up is called The Journey, and I am supposed to write about where I am at currently, so here it goes. :)

 *For those of you visiting from SS, you can find Zoe's story here.

*Here is another post I wrote about helping a friend through the loss of a child.

 God is good. Really good. I am such a weak person on my own, and I continue to be in awe of how the Holy Spirit empowers me to keep going. Things have not been easy lately, but I can daily see God's goodness. I struggle adjusting hormonally after having babies, so that has been the hardest thing as of late. It's especially hard when you don't have a baby to hold to remind you that it was worth it! Still, Zoe WAS worth it. I am a different wife, mom, friend, and Christ-follower because of her. My friend, Kari, shared this quote on Facebook that resonated with me as I considered my journey:

 "If God does not give you that which you like, He will give you that which you need. A physician does not so much study to please the taste of the patient, as to cure his disease. We complain that very sore trials lie upon us; let us remember that God is our Physician, therefore He labours rather to heal us than to humor us." (Thomas Watson, 1663)

 This quote continues to minister to my heart when emotions run wild:
"Are you a distressed believer? Is your heart pressed down with sickness, tried with disappointments, overburdened with cares? To you I say this day, “Behold the cross of Christ.” Think whose hand it is that chastens you; think whose hand is measuring to you the cup of bitterness which you are now drinking. It is the hand of Him who was crucified! It is the same hand which, in love to your soul, was nailed to the accursed tree. Surely that thought should comfort and hearten you. Surely you should say to yourself, “A crucified Savior will never lay upon me anything that is not for my good. There is a needs be. It must be well.” -J.C. Ryle

 I have really been thinking lately about this whole "new normal" concept. How do I balance "moving on" with remembering Zoe? I have really come to this conclusion. One of the best ways I can honor Zoe is to use her life as a platform to share the gospel and the ultimate satisfaction that comes from knowing Christ. I recently read this blog post here that was so thought provoking and helped me to process some of the things I have been feeling lately. It is titled "When You Lose a Baby", and these two statements really stuck out:

 "There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up."
"You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

 What do I say when people ask how many children I have? That question still gets me. It depends on the person. Sometimes I say two, other times I avoid the awkwardness and say one, knowing that this doesn't mean I didn't love her. My mother-in-law blessed me so much the other day when she shared with me that she cried a little bit when she attended a work baby shower because she thought of Zoe. That meant so much to me! It was indeed a precious gift to me.

 Speaking of gifts, I will close with this: I have really come to find that Marc and I have been given a gift (in a really messed up way). Zoe's due date was on Easter. As we celebrated the resurrection of Christ, we also celebrated Zoe being with Him in heaven. That brings us such comfort, and I feel like we will always celebrate Easter differently knowing that our daughter is safe and at peace because of what Christ accomplished! As we sang these words from "I Will Rise" I realized that that was exactly what Zoe was experiencing!! All she knows is heaven...wow. 
And I will rise when He calls my name
 No more sorrow, no more pain
 I will rise on eagles' wings
 Before my God fall on my knees
 And rise I will rise
 And I hear the voice of many angels sing, "Worthy is the Lamb"
 And I hear the cry of every longing heart, "Worthy is the Lamb"

 This song by Nicol Sponberg also speaks of this gift. She is Angie Smith's sister-in-law, and she lost her son to SIDS shortly after Angie lost her daughter. The chorus says, "Your days here changed everything. You're missed here and will always be, but you left here the greatest gift of all 'cause our hearts ache for Home."

Oh how I yearn for heaven, but oh how I also yearn to bring glory to God in this journey. Much love to you, friends. Thanks for reading.

Our Funny Little Man

As much as I miss the baby stage, I really enjoy interacting with Caleb these days. He is such a funny little dude! He loves to sing, memorize scripture, and play "team." Here are some videos of his recent shenanigans. Can't believe he'll be 3 soon!!

Get Real

So, I've been trying to make a lot of changes around here. I have had a variety of health problems the last five years, and I am at a season of my life where I thought it was good to really try to focus on my health. However, I have been prayerful that these changes are not just another idol of my heart. It is easy to say, "If I have _____, then I will be happy." Or, if I am honest, "If I do ____ then I will have a healthy baby."

The biggest change? REAL FOOD. Our culture is obsessed with diet this and that and processed food. We don't know where any of our food comes from, and the ingredient labels are full of funky unknown ingredients. I would recommend you watch the documentary Food Inc. Very insightful! Admittedly, I always thought people who did all natural food were "hippy" or "old-fashioned", but now I know better! :) I am making slow changes to move our family toward more wholesome choices such as real butter, real milk (not skim), hormone free/grass-fed meat, Stevia rather than sugar substitutes like Splenda, no processed snacks, etc. I am not trying to be extreme and am taking it slow. It's actually really fun! To top it all off, I haven't gained weight since going to more real food. I guess part of that is eating more fruits and veggies rather than junk and empty calories. What you eat really affects your mental health as well, as I am finding. I never really considered that until recently.

My favorite find? Homemade granola bars! Seriously people, they are so easy to make and are SO YUMMY. Also, quinoa! It is similar to rice but packed with protein! My little guy is allergic to two of the biggest protein sources, so this is good for both of us. I have learned that protein is very important in regulating blood sugar, which I have some problems with, so I am all about finding a wide variety of protein sources! You can find the links to my favorite recipes below:

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Granola Bars
Cranberry Chocolate Chip Granola Bars
Cheesy Broccoli Quinoa Casserole


In addition I am discovering the importance of supplements. A lot of people think you just need to eat right and you'll get the nutrients you need, but that's not always the case for a variety of reasons. For example, the soil our produce is grown in has a lot less nutrients than it did years ago. Supplements need to be NATURAL....love the company Shaklee. Many OTC supplements are filled with junk ingredients and don't have enough of what you need. For example, my Shaklee multivitamin has iodine in it, which is essential for thyroid function...many others do not. It also has double Vitamin D and other vitamins women need more of. Grrr...I tried to find the pamphlet I read online but couldn't find it. If you want to read more about why we need supplements let me know, and I can copy it for you. ;)

Anyhoo, I didn't want to bore you all with lots of info. I just wanted to share what I consider valuable information that I would have never known without being blessed with awesome friends and a super nutritionist. :) I want to honor God with my body, and I am done filling it with junk. Baby steps, though. :)