Carrying Zoe

Who knew one little shirt at a garage sale could bring such a wave of emotion. This grief journey is full of the unexpected. It's been almost 7 months since we lost Zoe, and I am thankful that a lot of the raw emotion is dormant. However, now the grief is random and takes me by surprise.

I love the song "I Will Carry You", and this stanza really speaks to my recent feelings. I think it's tempting for people to assume that I have "moved on" because I look fine on the outside. Truth is, though, this journey isn't over. It really is a lifetime journey. It doesn't mean I bawl my eyeballs out every day, but the grief is still there, always changing.

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Last week I came across this shirt at a garage sale and realized that Zoe should be wearing it. Seconds later I hear a friend across the room excitedly share with a lady that her son will be a big brother in July...Caleb is a brother, just not in the way we expected. P.S. If said friend is reading this, I love you, and no worries. ;) I could feel the lump in my throat and kept myself busy talking to my little shopping buddy, who is quite the garage sale enthusiast! That helped!

Her memory is everywhere...I carry her wherever I go. Every time I get in my hubby's car the smell of it reminds me of those minutes spent driving different places the days following Zoe's death...to church to cry and pray with our friends, to Martin's to get coffee and try to digest everything, to the appointments,  to the cemetary. Every time we sing "Blessed Be Your Name" I weep, remembering the moment the nurse whispered, "The baby's coming." We had no idea what to do, so I sang as Marc shielded my eyes. I am so glad the Lord brought this song to mind in that moment of numbness. I remember her as I pass Zoe Street every day in our neighborhood. I originally would pray for my friend's daughter, Zoe, each time I would pass since she was waiting to be brought home from Ethiopia. Who would have thought that street would be so special just a few weeks later. Every time I watch certain t.v. shows I remember keeping the t.v. on almost constantly in the hospital, being afraid that the silence would force me to face reality.


Zoe's grave marker will be installed in the next few days. I am thankful that we could give that to her...something about the little temporary marker just makes me sad. I want her to be remembered and acknowledged. My mentor gave me such a sweet gift the other day by asking if she could come to the cemetery with me and see the grave marker when it's installed. She expressed wanting to be more of a part of that journey with me. I have continued to pray that I may show grace to friends and family as they interact with me during this time. Admittedly, I get disappointed at times, but I try to recognize that this isn't an easy situation. Some people just don't know what to say. However, sometimes I just wish someone would say something rather than nothing at all. I was so blessed by two ladies who came and hugged me on Mother's Day. I don't know either lady very well, and I was so blessed by their thoughtfulness.

Another new development is looking to the future. I have gone from being petrified to be pregnant again to being super impatient. I am experiencing trouble in the waiting period to say the least. We would love to have more children, but that involves waiting. Waiting to be pregnant first of all, and we don't want to assume that we will be blessed with fertility. Then the waiting NINE months for a baby to be born. Seems like forever! After having a rough night the other night with being weary about the waiting, I read the devotional found here. How timely! God is good.

All this to say, I hope to be honest on here so that whoever reads this is encouraged and challenged. If you have suffered a loss, I hope you know you are not alone. If you are a friend or family member of a bereaved mother and father, I hope this gives you perspective that could help you to better minister to them.

Much love,
Stephanie