Daring to Plan

Today I am linking up with the Journey, a part of Still Standing Magazine. Sweet babyloss friends, a forewarning that this blog post is partially about pregnancy after loss. I hope you will still read and find hope in my journey but moreso in Christ!

Speaking of that hope in Christ...this video is AMAZING. Please take the time to watch it and be encouraged by this sweet couple. They have been through a great deal, but they really testify about how all of it reveals God's faithfulness to them. The most memorable quote: "I don't understand why a baby dying can be good, but I accept it....and I can't even tell you why." (She goes on to say that she knows that if it would be better for them and bring God greater glory that their daughter would still be alive).
With that said, a lot has happened since I last posted! On June 13th, we found out we were expecting our 3rd child! I am currently 16 weeks and, Lord willing, baby will be due around February 20th.We got to see baby move on the ultrasound the other day....at one point baby moved his/her arm by his/her face...I gasped and said, "That is so cool!" Notice that interjection, "Lord willing." I used to never think that way. I would make plans and assume God would come along for the ride. This kind of "practical atheism" pervaded my life. I often lived as if God didn't exist, not considering what he wanted for my life. How I plan has certainly changed, and I am kind of still learning that balance. So I guess this post is me trying to process out loud what is in my head, and I hope it is challenging to you all as well.

This post came to mind shortly after something unexpected happened at church a few months ago. A lady was teaching the teenage girls about having an eternal perspective. She asked us to close our eyes and picture our future. I closed my eyes and was surprised by tears streaming down my face. I couldn't do it. I couldn't picture my future. I was too nervous, being afraid that I would risk those things not coming true and being heartbroken all over again.

After Zoe died, I went through a period of unhealthily fearing God. I'm talking I was literally afraid of what he was going to bring me. Those feelings totally went against everything I knew to be true, but they were still there, and I had to deal with them. Jeremiah 29:11 immediately came to mind: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  God is for me. God is good...see my post in July so I don't repeat myself. :) Everything in my life is given to me to make me more like Christ...do I REALLY want to be more like Christ? Or would I rather have an easy life and no Christ?

So, I first had to be comfortable with God's goodness and His plans being good. Next, though, I wondered how do you plan as a believer? I don't think God wants me to cry when I picture the future and make no plans at all. The key I found is to not necessarily make no plans but make sure your plans consider God and His desires for you. Never assume God wants just what you want. Pray, be humble, and plan knowing that your plans may fail. I have really had Proverbs 16:9 stick out to me lately: "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

So, today, I am daring to dream. Daring to plan. God is for me. God is good. I can plan but plan with humility. So, how am I putting this into action? Today I signed up for free baby stuff. A big deal because after we lost Zoe I was SO sick of having all these coupons and formula sent to me...a dagger in the heart.  I have been so blessed by Fran at Small Bird Studios. She is expecting her second rainbow baby, and says so poignantly on her blog, "A lot of people have told me they are too expecting their rainbow babies. And they too have similar fears, and withholdings in pregnancy. I feel like this is one step in the right direction. It is okay to dream. Create a Pinterest board, get some ideas and dream for you and your baby. Hope is a beautiful thing."

That.it.is.