Psalm 25:10a says, "All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness." What a fitting verse I read last night as I pondered God's faithfulness to Marc and I as we've grown our family over the last 8 years! I still cannot believe I am a momma to four kids, three on earth and one in heaven. When I was in the throws of postpartum depression and anxiety with Caleb and Emma or grieving the loss of Zoe, never in a million years did I think I would have the strength to "handle" more pregnancies and more kiddos. BUT GOD. He is so kind in giving more grace! They are a gift, daily reminding me of my weakness and my need for Jesus.
I want to document sweet baby Charlie's birth story and bring closure to this blog. As you can see, I haven't blogged much the last few years. I am not much of a writer, and I am finding I love to document our lives in different ways like Chatbooks and good old fashioned hard copy baby books. I want to be more present with my family, and I just began to see this blog as another thing to keep up with. I am FOREVER grateful for the opportunity to blog during the loss of Zoe, and I have had many opportunities to point people to my blogs for support. I hope to continue to do that. As I bring this blog to a close, I want to share about our sweet baby Charlie (who's now a year old!) but also encourage other families by talking about how we decided to be done having biological children. It's such a huge decision and isn't talked about a whole lot in the Christian community.
My pregnancy with Charlie was definitely the hardest mentally. I am not sure why. I wasn't so much anxious about his well being, but I experienced more discomforts that just wore me down big time. Earlier nausea, weird migraines, insomnia, etc. Plus, we moved early on in my pregnancy, and I had to adjust to a lot of changes that came with that. So, I was definitely ready to have this baby! My due date was Tuesday November 8th, Election Day. By golly, Charlie sure was right on time. Early Tuesday morning somewhere in the middle of the night I began have a hard time sleeping. That wasn't completely unusual for me, but I was pretty uncomfortable. I had a feeling it was going to be an interesting day! Marc went to vote that day and planned to come home at lunch time. I had already voted absentee in hopes that I'd be in labor! My friend Esther came over to distract me that morning, and by then I was confident I was in early labor. The rest of the day was spent doing random things to try to keep my mind off of the pain. My labors are VERY long, but not crazy intense til the end. I remember not eating a whole lot and trying to rest some too.
By evening time things were approaching intense. I am so so glad that we are close to the hospital....like 2 minutes close. My labor was so erratic that it was hard to know when I needed to go in. Luckily I had to get antibiotics for Group B strep, and so I knew I needed at least 4 hours for those. My contractions were super frequent but not lasting long. I tried to pass the time by watching election coverage...not encouraging. :) I tried to sleep, but by this point I was unable. So, I prayed and let my hubby sleep a few hours before we left for the hospital around 3 a.m. My labors are always active in the middle of the night. All three living children were birthed on only a few hours of sleep. God's grace is so present in those moments!!
My parents started making the trip here from Indy, and I got settled in at the hospital. My nurse Kim was amazing! She was wonderful with suggesting different positions and was so respectful of our wishes. She loved Jesus and prayed with us during labor. I also had a doula named Carli who helped with relaxation and breathing. Along with my super supportive husband, I felt like I was ready to birth naturally. I have always had side effects or complications with epidurals, so I really wanted to try this time to do things without meds. My labors tend to stall and need Pitocin, so this time I tried sitting on a birthing ball, and that was so helpful with progression. With other labors I would walk, but I felt so exhausted early on that I was grateful for another option. My water finally broke, and things progressed quickly after that.
Labor at the end for me is usually very fast and intense, and Charlie was no different. This time, though, it was discovered that he was sunny side up, which meant painful back labor...of course the one time I opt for no epidural! I panicked big time and begged for an epidural. With back labor you feel like you need to push constantly, but in reality you aren't ready...it's such a bad trick! Luckily Kim came to the rescue and suggested another position in which I turned on my side and put my outer leg over my body...sounds terrible I know. However, I will never forget that within minutes I literally felt Charlie turn in my body. So crazy! I yelled that I needed to push and they kept saying not yet, thinking it was back labor still. I begged Kim to check, and I was right! Time to push...I kept screaming during contractions, and Kim even had to yell at me to stop yelling and use that energy for pushing. She rocked...I so needed that reality check, and my sweet husband wouldn't have done it. :) Just a few excruciating pushes and Charlie arrived, delivered by nurse Kim since the doc couldn't get there fast enough!
I was so so exhausted, moreso than with any other baby. I get why many ladies stop having babies at my age! Labor was much different for my 33 year old self than my 26 year old self. :) But the miracle of birth was not lost on me! I love those first moments of holding your warm squishy baby skin to skin. A few hours later our family got to meet Charlie for the first time, and we then got to introduce the big kids to baby Charlie. Oh, it was so sweet! The first thing Caleb said was, "He has hair just like you wanted!" I lost it...ha! I really wanted a baby with lots of dark hair because Emma and Caleb were both baldies. It's funny the things you cry about after delivering a baby.
Charlie is/was the best baby. He had weight issues early on that required lots of patience and endurance, but he is now a thriving little one year old. Today at lunch, Caleb's great grandpa said, "He sure is a jolly fellow!" That is the perfect description of him. He is a great mix of Emma and Caleb both in looks and personality. He goes with the flow and handles transition like it's no big deal, like when he switched to formula at 5 months or switching to a sippy cup of whole milk most recently. He loves to make people laugh, and he is my only kid that is a momma's boy, often reaching for me when someone else is holding him. It's been especially fun to see Caleb be in awe of Charlie and all the changes he went through this year. He LOVES being a big brother to a boy.
I am looking forward to sharing with you all about our process in deciding to be done having biological children in a future post. It is definitely a bitter sweet time, but it is also a time that again shows the faithfulness of God to us!
Pure.exhaustion.
Me losing it when Caleb said, "He has lots of dark hair like you wanted!"
One of my favorites...ready to go home!
First pic of our family of five!
