He Gives and Takes Away: Grieving Loss While Celebrating Life

"The baby's coming," the nurse whispered. I looked at Marc, let out a cry, and said,"Thank you, God, it's almost over." In my mind I had no idea what to do in that moment because we knew we would not be seeing a living, breathing Zoe. This was no normal birth, as Zoe breathed her last breath at 17 weeks. So we sang, "Blessed be the Name, on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be the Name. He gives and takes away, he gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be the Name." As I sat in church singing that song last week, I immediately began crying, going back to that day a little over two years ago. I am thankful for these sweet reminders of our second born, but this momma's heart still aches to know her here on earth.

I have had many moments like this over the last year, more recently as we celebrated Emma's first birthday. It has been an interesting journey. Having a "rainbow baby" is such a tremendous gift! Yet I have been surprised that I have grieved Zoe even more, seeing what she could have been. I have been bothered lately as Marc and I have talked about having more children in the future, whether biologically or through adoption. Something has felt off, and I couldn't put my finger on it. I'd sought the Lord and asked for wisdom. These decisions are huge, especially when having children hasn't been a smooth journey for us. I felt/feel completely helpless, and yet I know that is right where the Lord wants me. Our journey to build our family has kept me desperate for Him! I received such a gift the other night...clarity of sorts. I need to stop trying to shake off this feeling that something is "off." Something...someONE...will always be missing. I carried another baby for 17 weeks, and she is not here. As we look to having more children in the future, it will probably never feel "right." Zoe will always be missing, but what a kindness of God to give us our two children!

I feel like I can breath a sigh of relief now. It is perfectly okay to feel an emptiness and still fully celebrate God's kindness in giving Emma life! Angie Smith calls this "the sacred dance of grief and joy", and the two feelings can coexist! We had such a sweet time celebrating Emma last month! We had her party a few weeks early so family could come to both that and the parent dedication at church. There was lots of snow, so God was kind in getting our family here! Her theme was hearts since it was close to Valentine's Day. She was a happy little lady, and she especially enjoyed the wrapping paper. She seemed a bit confused about all the singing and the cake, but she was a good sport. What a joy she is!

I also don't want to forget about celebrating the life of our Caleb. He is becoming quite the little man. What a great big brother he is! He loves playing with Emma and likes to protect her. We enjoyed time at the dentist together yesterday. He was so cute as he waited for me to finish up after his appointment, just sitting there admiring his treats from the treasure box. :)

May we all marvel at God's kindness more and more each day, friends!