Great Is Thy Faithfulness: Thoughts on Change

Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
there is no shadow of turning with thee;
thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not;
as thou hast been thou forever will be.

Refrain:
Great is thy faithfulness! Great is thy faithfulness!Morning by morning new mercies I see;
all I have needed thy hand hath provided;
great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
sun, moon and stars in their courses above
join with all nature in manifold witness
to thy great faithfulness, mercy and love. Refrain

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! Refrain

Admittedly, the season of fall comes with anxiety for me. Just as our beautiful trees in our yard change colors and drop leaves in what feels like a heartbeat, our lives have often changed quickly in the fall. Fall is always the time we remember our baby girl, Zoe, who we met and said goodbye to on November 3, 2011. Last fall was a very dark time for me, actively struggling with intense insomnia, vertigo, and post-partum depression. I so desperately wanted this fall to be different. Early in the fall, I prayed for a greater affection for Jesus. I had felt like I had been coasting in my walk with the Lord, and I missed the closeness I experienced after Zoe died. Little did I know that this fall would be a beautiful season of change in my heart. 

It began with this sermon by Dr. Harmon titled "A People for God's Own Possession." He chronicles the history of God's people waiting for the "serpent crusher." I was able to experience the love of God in such a fresh way by being able to see how God so lovingly weaved the events of history together to ultimately lead to Christ. Shortly after that we celebrated Zoe's heaven birthday. It was such a sweet time as a family. We decided to make it a tradition to have a birthday dinner, get new flowers for her grave, and write messages to her on a pumpkin. 

I really feel like I reached a turning point in my grief this fall. Last fall I was navigating PPD, the previous fall I was pregnant with Emma and kind of stuffed my grief for the sake of my health and her health. This fall I felt like I cried more and thought of Zoe more, but it was so healing! I watched her memorial service for the first time, and I wept so much, but not for the reason I thought. The most encouraging part was to hear the pastors pray and be able to look back on how the Lord answered! Our God is SO BIG. He has sustained us and used Zoe's life for His glory! I have been able to share the gospel with more people because of Zoe and have walked with other sweet mommas through loss. I am so weak from a worldly standpoint: prone to anxiety, "emotional", etc. It takes a big God to not only sustain someone like me through such a heartache but to also turn it around for HIS glory. Oh, it's so beautiful, friends!

My heart is so full. I have seen God so tangibly answer my prayer for greater affection for Jesus. How I spend my time is different. I worship more thoughtfully and passionately. I have never seen God's hand on my life so clearly than I have this fall. As I look back on the past I can so clearly see His love through me both through the good and bad. So while falls of the past have been filled with difficult change, God has been so kind to have me experience positive change. Change is HARD. I am so thankful we serve a God who NEVER CHANGES. Along with Great Is Thy Faithfulness, I have really been moved by the song "The Rock Won't Move." Enjoy, and please be encouraged that no matter what changes come they are ALL for our good and His glory.

He Gives and Takes Away: Grieving Loss While Celebrating Life

"The baby's coming," the nurse whispered. I looked at Marc, let out a cry, and said,"Thank you, God, it's almost over." In my mind I had no idea what to do in that moment because we knew we would not be seeing a living, breathing Zoe. This was no normal birth, as Zoe breathed her last breath at 17 weeks. So we sang, "Blessed be the Name, on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be the Name. He gives and takes away, he gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be the Name." As I sat in church singing that song last week, I immediately began crying, going back to that day a little over two years ago. I am thankful for these sweet reminders of our second born, but this momma's heart still aches to know her here on earth.

I have had many moments like this over the last year, more recently as we celebrated Emma's first birthday. It has been an interesting journey. Having a "rainbow baby" is such a tremendous gift! Yet I have been surprised that I have grieved Zoe even more, seeing what she could have been. I have been bothered lately as Marc and I have talked about having more children in the future, whether biologically or through adoption. Something has felt off, and I couldn't put my finger on it. I'd sought the Lord and asked for wisdom. These decisions are huge, especially when having children hasn't been a smooth journey for us. I felt/feel completely helpless, and yet I know that is right where the Lord wants me. Our journey to build our family has kept me desperate for Him! I received such a gift the other night...clarity of sorts. I need to stop trying to shake off this feeling that something is "off." Something...someONE...will always be missing. I carried another baby for 17 weeks, and she is not here. As we look to having more children in the future, it will probably never feel "right." Zoe will always be missing, but what a kindness of God to give us our two children!

I feel like I can breath a sigh of relief now. It is perfectly okay to feel an emptiness and still fully celebrate God's kindness in giving Emma life! Angie Smith calls this "the sacred dance of grief and joy", and the two feelings can coexist! We had such a sweet time celebrating Emma last month! We had her party a few weeks early so family could come to both that and the parent dedication at church. There was lots of snow, so God was kind in getting our family here! Her theme was hearts since it was close to Valentine's Day. She was a happy little lady, and she especially enjoyed the wrapping paper. She seemed a bit confused about all the singing and the cake, but she was a good sport. What a joy she is!

I also don't want to forget about celebrating the life of our Caleb. He is becoming quite the little man. What a great big brother he is! He loves playing with Emma and likes to protect her. We enjoyed time at the dentist together yesterday. He was so cute as he waited for me to finish up after his appointment, just sitting there admiring his treats from the treasure box. :)

May we all marvel at God's kindness more and more each day, friends!

Escaping...Thoughts from an Introverted Mom

"Will you play with me, Mommy?" I technically could, but instead I say, "Not now, buddy. I have to go do chores." This is a common occurrence in our house. You might think that it is perfectly fine because I am responsible for "keeping house." However, it wasn't until recently that it was brought to my attention that this response can be a form of escape from my kids.

I am going through the book Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson with my friends Liz and Anne. It has been really good for me! I am finding that I am an introverted mom. I don't love to pretend play with my kiddos...gasp! It's exhausting for me to take them places and go on adventures. It doesn't mean I don't love them, it's just that I prefer to stay home and do quiet things, like read books and do puzzles. I am daily challenged to die to myself and do things that Caleb wants to do because I love him! Here are some highlights from a chapter in Desperate that help explain what I mean by wanting to escape:

"I don't want to look back in fifteen or twenty years and regret my choices during these days just because they were long and hard. I want to look back and know that I was an intentional mother doing everything I could to nurture the souls of my children. They need me; they need me in their reality."

"Sometimes I avoid my children...I have a problem giving myself to my children; laying down my life, so to speak, for them. And it's an ugly revelation. I'm trying to escape from my children, from my life."

"You and I, we love our children to the core of our beings. We would die for them. But for some reason we have a hard time putting away our books, or our computers, or our crafts in order to serve them. encourage them, and fill their souls with life."

"Choosing to enter into the mundane with our children, who see playing ponies as anything but ordinary, is a sacrifice of love."

I think as an introverted mom I am tempted to want to escape more. Not run away escape...although I think I have had moments where I felt that overwhelmed! I want quiet and a "break", getting overstimulated easily. I am learning that some of these feelings are normal and that I shouldn't beat myself up over wanting a break. When I get in trouble is when I think I NEED a break or DESERVE a break. I think on Jesus often in my parenting, and consider this section from Philippians 2 often:

2 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, ² complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. ³ Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. ⁴ Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. ⁵ Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,^[a] 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, ⁷ but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant,^[b] being born in the likeness of men

Do I count my family more significant when I try to escape? Am I looking to their interests? I must think on Christ, the ULTIMATE example of humility, who emptied himself so that I can have eternal life! When I realize the magnitude of Christ's emptying of himself, how can I not desire to serve my family selflessly? I am regularly having to pray for wisdom. Desiring a break and quiet time is not sinful at its core...a break is life giving to a tired mommy! However, what is in my heart? What are my motives?

My word for this year is "simple." I am trying to live more simply each day and focusing on what matters. My children and their souls matter. I want to meet them more in their reality instead of trying to avoid them and escape mentally by doing chores or getting on the internet. I love them dearly! The other day I took pictures of them in a seemingly normal situations, but when I stopped to really look at them, I was filled with such joy. What a privilege to be their Mommy! 

I LOVE when I catch Emma just being still, studying a book or DVD. Makes her look so old. :)

We built a fort, and it stayed up for 3 days! I love Caleb's imagination. We used the pillows as wood to build a chimney. He used his play saw to cut and tried to explain the process to Emma. At one point we also played "Skate Park." He used Emma's toy house as a ticket counter, got pretend tickets, and put on a show after he punched my ticket. :)

Just discovered that Caleb moves his mouth when he's concentrating on doing school work. So cute. :)

Word for the Year

In recent years it has become popular to pick a word for the year. I have never been big on resolutions, so it was appealing for me to have just a word to focus on that can lead to goals in my daily living. My word for this year: simple.

Why this word? I have noticed since having Emma how scatter-brained I am many days. Of course some of that is completely normal as a mother of two littles! However, I think a lot of my issues come from being distracted by unimportant matters, like getting a specific to-do list done, checking Facebook, being caught up on emails, etc. I lack focus, majoring on minor things. The Holy Spirit brought me to conviction especially when I continually was brought to passages like Romans 8: 5-7. I can't tell you how many times a devotional I read or a friend referenced this passage. I know it was no coincidence!

 ⁵ For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. ⁶ For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. ⁷ For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. ⁸ Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Setting your mind on something involves effort, stewing. Most nights I put my head on my pillow and realize how much of my day I have stewed about "things of the flesh." My soul feels dead, and discouragement sets in. Did you see where it said that a mind set on the flesh is "hostile to God?" Yes! That was the conviction I needed. Do I want to be hostile to God? Of course not! However, setting my mind on things of the world was not honoring God! It wasn't until I began to meditate on this verse and focus my prayers on asking God what he wants me to "do" in a day that I felt "life and peace." 

So, I want to live more simply. This passage of scripture helped me to bring my thoughts into focus.

Mark 12:30-31
And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all yoursoul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” 

If how I am spending my time isn't helping me to love God or love others, then I should evaluate if that particular action is necessary. In the least, I should limit my time. For example, sometimes Facebook really helps me love God and others. I love to post verses or send encouraging messages. I read a lot of great articles via Facebook too. However, most of my time spent on there is mindlessly reading through statuses in order to escape from reality. Usually it's when I am stressed or "need a break from the kids." 

What are some specific ways I hope to apply my word for this year, simple?

1. Pray over my "to do" list daily. Ask for wisdom regarding knowing when my perfectionism is coming out and when that task or chore is a way to show my love for God and others.

2. Keep meals simple. I love clean eating! Meals don't have to be fancy! Resist the urge to constantly try new recipes. 

3. Don't overcommit to Bible studies and read too many books. This year I want to focus on continuing my plan to read the whole Bible in two years and memorizing Romans 1, 8, and 12. The Roman's Project was a great program Ann Voskamp did last year, and I hope to complete it!

4. When push comes to shove, I want to value people over tasks! Make sure I am spending time just talking and playing with my children!

Do any of you have a word for the year?

Year in Review

It has been great to look back and see God's kindness in the ups and downs. Thought it would be fun to pick one major event from each month!

January: Waiting for Emma to be born! Stephanie enjoyed her last days with it being just her and Caleb.

February: We welcomed our rainbow baby, Emma, to our family! Steph remembers shouting, "She's alive!" the moment she was born.

March: We loved all the visitors after Emma was born, but this was the month we got in our groove as a family of four.

April: We survived a TERRIBLE stomach virus. Caleb got it first, and then Steph and Marc got it at the same time! Steph's friend Barb had to take her to the hospital for fluids in the middle of the night!

May: Marc did the mini-marathon, and we had a nice visit in Indianapolis. Emma didn't love her first trip. She had a lot of trouble sleeping while we were there, and we were a bit overwhelmed. :)

June: Birthday month! Caleb turned four, and we took him to his first musical called Shrek the Musical. Marc turned 30! We had fun at the end of the month traveling back to Indianapolis and celebrating with the Goodwins by bowling at Pinheads. Emma did much better this trip!

July: Marc had pinky surgery and was surprised how hard the recover was.

August: Marc and Steph went to St. Joseph, Michigan to celebrate her birthday. It was our first time away from both kids, and they did great!

September: Caleb started preschool!!

October: This was a really hard month for Steph's health. Her vertigo and fatigue reached a peak, and she suffered from terrible insomnia. She is feeling better now, but is going to a neurologist soon to talk about a possible diagnosis of MS (multiple sclerosis).

November: We remembered Zoe's second heaven birthday. We have found we grieve her in a different way since having Emma. Now that we see what she could have been, we think of her more often and have been surprised at how many tears have been shed. Many think that a rainbow baby makes things "easier."

December: We had such a sweet time in Indianapolis celebrating our Savior's birth and sending Marc's brother and family off to move to Boston.

Happy New Year, friends!