Carrying Zoe

Who knew one little shirt at a garage sale could bring such a wave of emotion. This grief journey is full of the unexpected. It's been almost 7 months since we lost Zoe, and I am thankful that a lot of the raw emotion is dormant. However, now the grief is random and takes me by surprise.

I love the song "I Will Carry You", and this stanza really speaks to my recent feelings. I think it's tempting for people to assume that I have "moved on" because I look fine on the outside. Truth is, though, this journey isn't over. It really is a lifetime journey. It doesn't mean I bawl my eyeballs out every day, but the grief is still there, always changing.

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Last week I came across this shirt at a garage sale and realized that Zoe should be wearing it. Seconds later I hear a friend across the room excitedly share with a lady that her son will be a big brother in July...Caleb is a brother, just not in the way we expected. P.S. If said friend is reading this, I love you, and no worries. ;) I could feel the lump in my throat and kept myself busy talking to my little shopping buddy, who is quite the garage sale enthusiast! That helped!

Her memory is everywhere...I carry her wherever I go. Every time I get in my hubby's car the smell of it reminds me of those minutes spent driving different places the days following Zoe's death...to church to cry and pray with our friends, to Martin's to get coffee and try to digest everything, to the appointments,  to the cemetary. Every time we sing "Blessed Be Your Name" I weep, remembering the moment the nurse whispered, "The baby's coming." We had no idea what to do, so I sang as Marc shielded my eyes. I am so glad the Lord brought this song to mind in that moment of numbness. I remember her as I pass Zoe Street every day in our neighborhood. I originally would pray for my friend's daughter, Zoe, each time I would pass since she was waiting to be brought home from Ethiopia. Who would have thought that street would be so special just a few weeks later. Every time I watch certain t.v. shows I remember keeping the t.v. on almost constantly in the hospital, being afraid that the silence would force me to face reality.


Zoe's grave marker will be installed in the next few days. I am thankful that we could give that to her...something about the little temporary marker just makes me sad. I want her to be remembered and acknowledged. My mentor gave me such a sweet gift the other day by asking if she could come to the cemetery with me and see the grave marker when it's installed. She expressed wanting to be more of a part of that journey with me. I have continued to pray that I may show grace to friends and family as they interact with me during this time. Admittedly, I get disappointed at times, but I try to recognize that this isn't an easy situation. Some people just don't know what to say. However, sometimes I just wish someone would say something rather than nothing at all. I was so blessed by two ladies who came and hugged me on Mother's Day. I don't know either lady very well, and I was so blessed by their thoughtfulness.

Another new development is looking to the future. I have gone from being petrified to be pregnant again to being super impatient. I am experiencing trouble in the waiting period to say the least. We would love to have more children, but that involves waiting. Waiting to be pregnant first of all, and we don't want to assume that we will be blessed with fertility. Then the waiting NINE months for a baby to be born. Seems like forever! After having a rough night the other night with being weary about the waiting, I read the devotional found here. How timely! God is good.

All this to say, I hope to be honest on here so that whoever reads this is encouraged and challenged. If you have suffered a loss, I hope you know you are not alone. If you are a friend or family member of a bereaved mother and father, I hope this gives you perspective that could help you to better minister to them.

Much love,
Stephanie

A Big Deal

"Dude, you guys, it's pretty much a miracle your baby is alive." I love my OBGYN...she is so real in how she interacts with us. :) As we met with her last week to ask her questions about my health and our future fertility we casually discussed Caleb having Group B Strep at birth. We told her how I was a false negative when tested just a few weeks prior and how his only sign of being sick was slightly high respirations. We told her of how a doctor...I wish I now know who...decided to run some tests just hours before we were to be sent home. PRAISE GOD...THAT was a big deal. And, as the quote says, it was seemingly such a little thing at the time! So, we left our appointment feeling a little more grateful for Caleb's life. Then, just a few days later, I read a story of a lady whose baby died of undetected Group B Strep 3 weeks after birth. This baby was sent home, just like Caleb would have been.

 Do we realize what a MIRACLE life is? I feel like I have been given a gift the last few weeks, really being shown by the Lord what a miracle it is that our Caleb is alive, but also what a miracle it is that any babies are alive! I consider just the miracle of how God so intricately weaves together our little ones in our womb. How our bodies just know what to do. Even if your child was perfectly healthy at birth, he/she is a miracle! This is a big deal!

So, I leave you with this, written by a bereaved mommy who prays often for young mothers. You can read the whole post here.

 "I pray that he would give you an attitude of wonder when you look at your little ones. I pray that he would allow your mind to fathom the fact that they are walking and talking miracles. I pray that he would open your eyes to the fact that there are TOO MANY people who wish they were in your shoes. I pray that he would grant you the patience that you need each morning to gather all the littles up and rush them off to school or day care. I pray that he would give you a sweet voice and quiet love when the time comes for discipline. I pray that he would give you the strength to let go and allow them to explore their world. I pray that he would give you a sense of adventure to enjoy life, and all the ups and downs it has to offer, with them. I pray that peace would fill your home. I pray that God would give you an attitude of gratitude for each blessing he has given you. I pray that your marriage would be one of honor and a great example of love and unselfishness. I pray that your home would be full of the joy of Jesus. I pray that you would freely give out hugs and kisses even when they are not welcomed. I pray that you would praise instead of put down."

Still Standing

This week I am linking up with other mommies who have lost babies or are struggling with infertility. Still Standing magazine is a new online magazine that has been a HUGE encouragement to me, and I look forward to being an encouragement to other bereaved mothers. The link to the magazine is on the right side of my blog under Favorite Sites. So, the link up is called The Journey, and I am supposed to write about where I am at currently, so here it goes. :)

 *For those of you visiting from SS, you can find Zoe's story here.

*Here is another post I wrote about helping a friend through the loss of a child.

 God is good. Really good. I am such a weak person on my own, and I continue to be in awe of how the Holy Spirit empowers me to keep going. Things have not been easy lately, but I can daily see God's goodness. I struggle adjusting hormonally after having babies, so that has been the hardest thing as of late. It's especially hard when you don't have a baby to hold to remind you that it was worth it! Still, Zoe WAS worth it. I am a different wife, mom, friend, and Christ-follower because of her. My friend, Kari, shared this quote on Facebook that resonated with me as I considered my journey:

 "If God does not give you that which you like, He will give you that which you need. A physician does not so much study to please the taste of the patient, as to cure his disease. We complain that very sore trials lie upon us; let us remember that God is our Physician, therefore He labours rather to heal us than to humor us." (Thomas Watson, 1663)

 This quote continues to minister to my heart when emotions run wild:
"Are you a distressed believer? Is your heart pressed down with sickness, tried with disappointments, overburdened with cares? To you I say this day, “Behold the cross of Christ.” Think whose hand it is that chastens you; think whose hand is measuring to you the cup of bitterness which you are now drinking. It is the hand of Him who was crucified! It is the same hand which, in love to your soul, was nailed to the accursed tree. Surely that thought should comfort and hearten you. Surely you should say to yourself, “A crucified Savior will never lay upon me anything that is not for my good. There is a needs be. It must be well.” -J.C. Ryle

 I have really been thinking lately about this whole "new normal" concept. How do I balance "moving on" with remembering Zoe? I have really come to this conclusion. One of the best ways I can honor Zoe is to use her life as a platform to share the gospel and the ultimate satisfaction that comes from knowing Christ. I recently read this blog post here that was so thought provoking and helped me to process some of the things I have been feeling lately. It is titled "When You Lose a Baby", and these two statements really stuck out:

 "There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up."
"You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

 What do I say when people ask how many children I have? That question still gets me. It depends on the person. Sometimes I say two, other times I avoid the awkwardness and say one, knowing that this doesn't mean I didn't love her. My mother-in-law blessed me so much the other day when she shared with me that she cried a little bit when she attended a work baby shower because she thought of Zoe. That meant so much to me! It was indeed a precious gift to me.

 Speaking of gifts, I will close with this: I have really come to find that Marc and I have been given a gift (in a really messed up way). Zoe's due date was on Easter. As we celebrated the resurrection of Christ, we also celebrated Zoe being with Him in heaven. That brings us such comfort, and I feel like we will always celebrate Easter differently knowing that our daughter is safe and at peace because of what Christ accomplished! As we sang these words from "I Will Rise" I realized that that was exactly what Zoe was experiencing!! All she knows is heaven...wow. 
And I will rise when He calls my name
 No more sorrow, no more pain
 I will rise on eagles' wings
 Before my God fall on my knees
 And rise I will rise
 And I hear the voice of many angels sing, "Worthy is the Lamb"
 And I hear the cry of every longing heart, "Worthy is the Lamb"

 This song by Nicol Sponberg also speaks of this gift. She is Angie Smith's sister-in-law, and she lost her son to SIDS shortly after Angie lost her daughter. The chorus says, "Your days here changed everything. You're missed here and will always be, but you left here the greatest gift of all 'cause our hearts ache for Home."

Oh how I yearn for heaven, but oh how I also yearn to bring glory to God in this journey. Much love to you, friends. Thanks for reading.